Cher Taught Me To Believe

Actually, no she didn’t.  But that song was straight fire flames good.  I bumped that jam in my room when I was in sixth grade for DAYS.

Whether or not she is a scholar in the same realm as Gandhi or Buddha, we will never know.  But her fashion sense was always on point.  Am I right?

I guess it’s different for everyone.  Whether it is a person, a dream, a faith, or a promise.  We all need a reason to believe.

I could sit here and talk about what I believe and how it has shaped me into the person I am today.  But I don’t want to preach about my life, but just about the importance of believing in something.

First and foremost, you should believe in yourself.  

If you don’t have a foundation of self-acceptance and the innate conviction that you can achieve anything you set your mind to, then life is going to be pretty difficult.  Let’s be realistic though, this is not to say that it won’t be tough even if you do believe in yourself.  Because life is funny that way, and it likes to knock you down a couple pegs and make sure you’re not overconfident.

Life is full of uphill battles.  And while some are given a compass and a map to ease the struggle, others have to navigate blind, fighting more battles for no reason at all.

Regardless of where you fall on the life circumstance spectrum, having confidence yourself and what you can achieve is the first step towards getting where you want to go.  The rest is motivation, commitment, and perseverance – all of which take time to develop.

We all should wake up in the morning committed to something. 

If you can’t find it in your heart to believe in yourself, for the sake of humanity, believe in someone else.  There is nothing more frightening than knowing you are fighting a battle alone.  The greatest thing you can offer another human being is support.

When the outlook is bleak, the odds are stacked up, and the morale is fading; believe.  People can triumph and overcome the biggest of hurdles when they have a support system behind them.  Having a team rally and cheer you on makes those mountains that once seemed miles high get reduced to inches.

Believing in one another makes any obstacle surmountable. 

Faith in a higher power gives us a foundation and a basis to strive to be the best people we can be.  It is fundamentally rooted in serving others before yourself, knowing that you can make a difference in someone’s life, and them in yours.

It is understanding the key principle that all people are equal, believing that it’s true, and using your actions as a way to show it.  Because let’s face it, living our lives for other people isn’t the easiest thing to do.  In fact, it’s pretty difficult.

But in times when you feel incapable of continuing, grasping for something outside of yourself can be just what you need to keep going. 

If faith isn’t your answer, it can be a dream.

An aspiration to be better than what you are and where you are now.  An endpoint that you strive to reach in your career, your relationships, and your life.  Something that, in the darkest places, hardest times, deepest holes, you cling to and reach for.  And it’s that dream that helps you power through the worst of it.

All because you believe that you deserve it.

Whatever it is, don’t let it go.  Depending on something or someone other than ourselves is imperative.  We were not meant to walk the earth alone, nor should be have to do it. Make that conscious decision each day to strive to be better for you, for someone else, or for something.

Don’t settle for what you have right now, there’s always room to improve.  Find something you want in the future and go for it.  Perseverance and determination are attributes that no one will ever fault you for having.  You can be, achieve, and complete anything you want.  You just have to figure out what it is.

And when you do find what it is, be like Cher and just believe.

 

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What’s Up With That Wednesday

I like to eat.

This was most evident when I came back from studying abroad in Dublin circa 2009.  My mother was waiting for me at the ‘Arrivals’ section of the airport, and after five months of separation, the first thing she said to me was, “Wow, you look different.”

And it wasn’t the good different.  It was the twenty pounds heavier complete with a fat face and borderline emerging cankles different.

Being overseas for five months really expanded my horizons with food.  My newly expanded waistline and bloated face were concrete evidence. But as much as I learned to love food and experiment, there were some things I could not wrap my head around.

Spicy food.  One time I went to get wings with my friend Shannon.  She tried some from the “extremely hot” column.  Next thing you know, I look over and she’s got sweat coming out of her ears. HER EARS.  I’ve never been in a situation where ear sweat is not only acceptable but you voluntarily eat something that causes it.

Seriously… What the hell is up with food so hot that it could burn off your face?

Ghost Peppers:

I tend to avoid ghosts at all costs.  Especially in my food.  I don’t want to eat something that is invisible until I bite into it and all the sudden my mouth is engulfed in an inferno that only milk can control.  I’m lactose intolerant, milk don’t work for me.

Jalapeno Vodka:

I accept this.  But I only accept it in a bloody mary.  Otherwise, let’s stick with Stoli Orange and club soda.  It’s citrus sophisticated.

Habanero Pepper:

Yeah. HabanerNO.  I want nothing to do with you.  It’s not personal, only it is.  It is personal.  I can’t be eating something for dinner that will make me cry.  I’m already a woman, I don’t need another reason to shed tears in public.

Suicide Chicken Wings:

I don’t think I ever want to be put in a situation where I would want to kill myself over a chicken wing.  It just seems wrong.  I like to enjoy my wings, maybe have some beer, watch pretend to watch sports but really be scouting all the hot men at the bar.  I don’t want a fatal chicken appendage to come between me and a good man hunt.

I’m sweating just thinking about all of these.  I’m gonna go put an icepack on my forehead and stand in a freezer.

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Did I miss any?

Alright, Who Spiked the Kool-Aid?

DISCLAIMER:  This post is about how I am trying to collect new friends.  It is also filled with a lot of random mumbo jumbo that may or may not confirm that I am off my rocker.  Read on for more information.

Normally when something good happens to me, it’s because I’m on my fourth glass of wine.

The adult grapes usually give me a false sense of overconfidence and the idea in my head that I am excellent at anything and everything I do.

Then I realize it’s Saturday night and I’m sitting on my couch braless, in expandable pants, eating stale veggie stix while watching Spring Breakers and contemplating how to appropriately word my letter to the Academy demanding Selena Gomez be nominated for an Oscar.

Then I wake up in the morning and realize that my good idea at the time is actually just the brainchild of my ballsy, wine-induced, overconfident alter ego, Megye West.

When I found out that I was Freshly Pressed, I had to slap myself twice, eat two sandwiches (no relation, I was just really hungry that day), and call my mom to tell her she wasn’t the only one reading my blog anymore.

I’ve had a slew of new followers since being so fresh and so pressed, pressed, which is amazing and I am super-dee-duperly thankful for all of ya peeps, mostly because my cerebral cortex is one weird place.

Since you’ve been so wonderful as to care about what I have to say, I wanted to take the time to get to know all of you.  That’s right, I WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU.

So here’s what to do if you want to be friends, which essentially means you’ll instantly be on the proverbial path towards greatness and celebrity status and I will shower you with compliments and fairy dust (or just do it to take pity on me) :

  1. Leave a link to your favorite blog post from this past week in the comments section, I want to see what you all have to say, and perhaps boost my vocabulary in the process.  Gotta get my brain right, ya dig?
  2. If you’d be so inclined, you can follow me on FacebookTwitter, Instagram, and Google+. Because too much of a good thing is never too much… or is it? No, it’s not, because ice cream and puppies exist, and you can never have too much of those.
  3. Answer the question below and email it to me  I’ll pick my favorite to be featured in a new segment that I’m creating right this second called, “What Happens When Meg Asks Weird Stuff.”  It should be a blast.  Or it will backfire in my face.  One or the other.
  4. Ask me weird questions. Like I said on my About page, I am in no way shape or form qualified to give advice, but I do it anyways.  Like a boss.  And a champion.  We can talk about what would happen if dogs could speak English, or why more people aren’t terrified of ladybugs.  Think about the possibilities.  They are almost as unlimited as breadsticks at Olive Garden.

Question of the week:

How many five-year-old kids do you think you can take on in a fight and still be victorious?  Rationalize your answer.

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Sorry to the two friends who had their faces removed. I’ll buy you new faces ASAP.

Teach Me How To Do… Anything.

Some people just have it all.  They’re gifted with athleticism, gorgeous flowing hair, the ability to eat a thousand bags of cool ranch Doritos and not gain a pound.  The “have it alls” are naturally beautiful, conversationally gifted, and can generally stop drinking after one glass of wine.

Then there is me.

On a good day, which is usually a Thursday, I snooze three times before getting out of bed, realize I don’t want to there is not enough time to shower, and opt for a headband to conceal the collection of greasy follicles on my head.

Make up is a struggle.  Picking an outfit is a war.

Despite the fact that I’ve made several resolutions to be more polished and put together, I can’t seem to get my body on board by taking sleep off the top of my priority list.

Basically, I’m a hot mess and I can’t do anything correctly due to the fact that sleep dominates my life and I was given the short end of the stick in the talent department.

Given the opportunity, or a new body that miraculously is good at stuff, I would like to know how to do the following:

Cooking:

It’s no secret that I am the worst chef on the planet.  You ask me to make you toast, I’ll give you a plate full of bready ashes and a glob of jelly on the side.  I just don’t know how to do it.  My idea of a fully cooked dinner is a bag full of microwaved steamed broccoli and a side of 90-second rice.  I like microwaves because you don’t touch anything, and at the end of three minutes, your meal is hot and you didn’t ruin anyone’s day.

Construction:

If I have to look at another piece of IKEA furniture and try to assemble it based on picture directions, heads will roll. There are always four extra pegs and a structure that, to me, looks sound, but once I place an item of more than a pound on it, the whole thing will come crashing terribly to the floor.  I can’t build anything.  Except bears, I can totally build a bear.

Anything involving cars:

I bring in my car for a routine checkup and the mechanic tells me I have a four-foot-long boa constrictor in my engine and a nest of African rats in my trunk.  Seems reasonable, so yes, I’d love to pay $800 for you to alleviate that problem, Mr. Mechanic.  It would be nice to know that it isn’t possible for my gas tank to be under the hood of my car, or the general location of my spare tire.

Navigation:

If I text you and tell you I’m five minutes away, multiply it by four because I will be lost in thirty seconds.  I cannot, for the life of me, navigate to and from a location in one successful attempt.  Sure, you may think to yourself, “Why doesn’t this chick just buy a GPS?” And to you I say, thank you, but even GPS are not immune to my idiocy, and I have no idea how far three-hundred feet is, so now seems like a good time to make a right.

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Yeah.. um, let’s just take a left.

Hump Day Humor

It’s Wednesday, so we all need a laugh, right?

This is John Mulaney, friend to Seth Meyer’s, SNL writer, and best friend in my head. He is responsible for co-creating Stefon with SNL’s Bill Hader, and is pretty much the greatest human being on this planet.

He has a new Comedy Central special, New In Town, which I think is pretty spectacular, and gives a bundle of laughs that you could wrap up, use as sticks and make a funny fire.  Metaphorically, of course.

May he dance his way into your heart, and make your vocal chords jiggle with laughter.

I Should Probably Lower My Expectations…

One time I was super excited to meet up with this kid from Tinder (hint #1 this didn’t go as planned).  Then when I showed up he was already at the bar on his second drink (hint #2).  I recognize his face and immediately realize that I am taller than him sitting down (hint #3).

He proceeded to spend the entire date talking about himself while intermittently sprinkling in hints about how women should learn to cook before anything else.

I told him I can’t even make toast without setting off my smoke alarm, went to the bathroom and never returned.  Needless to say, it didn’t go as planned, and it definitely didn’t work out.

Much like this clip featuring my husband, Joey GorLevs, life is chock full of moments like being excited for a date and not having it turn out the way you wanted.

But regardless of how important our day-to-day adventures may or may not be, we place an expectation on how they should go down, and unfortunately, the reality doesn’t always match up.

College Dorm Rooms

Expectation: If you’re like me and constantly relive your glory years by watching teen dramas like The CW’s Vampire Diaries and ABC Family’s Greek, you went in to college with the expectation that you were going to be living in a gorgeous, Pottery Barn inspired, pre-decorated master suite, complete with a queen sized bed, a bay window, and a roommate you totally got along with in all aspects of life.

Reality: You and your random roommate who happens to collect erasers and used buttons get to decorate your spacious, cement wall insulated 10×12 dorm room complete with single beds and old prison mattresses.  Don’t go too crazy!

Lean Cuisines

Expectation: That food photographer is straight out of the Annie Leibovitz Picture Academy. Making my broccoli and chicken bake meal practically jump off the box and into my mouth.  The cheesey goodness of my four-cheese pasta is making me salivate at the sight of it, almost leading me to commandeer the nearest microwave and use it on the spot.

Reality: This so called “meal” is barely a serving size and the broccoli is soggy.  There are two cubes of chicken and I can only taste one cheese in my four-cheese pasta.  It all tastes like disappointment and I’m walking, no calling for delivery from the nearest Dominos.

Birthdays

Expectation: It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to! Everyone is here to celebrate ME, ME, ME, ME!  The guy I have a crush on is totally going to walk in, catch my eyeball, music will play as he waltzes towards me and we make out on the dance floor like the scene of a movie while all my friends clap behind me and rally in support of my birthday conquest.

Reality:  It’s 1030pm, you haven’t left your apartment because you’re too drunk.  You’re crying to your best friends because your left shoe doesn’t fit on your right foot and ultimately settling for chinese delivery and sleeping in your birthday dress.

 

 

The Common White Girl’s Guide to Risk Taking

I’m a common white girl, and this is my idea of risky behavior:

  • Ordering a double shot mocha latte with whole milk and giving them my porn star name to label my cup
  • Opening my sunroof when it’s below 50 degrees
  • Wearing white afterlabor day
  • Ordering a carb-filled meal at a restaurant when I’m on a diet
  • Not brushing my hair
  • Double dipping
  • Wearing glasses without a prescription
  • Photobombing
  • Eating more than the recommended serving size
  • Sneaking past security at a concert
  • Dating an older man
  • Wearing white to a wedding
  • Sharing a cup with someone else
  • Calling my dad to ask how he is with the real intention of asking for money
  • Only rinsing my hands with water and telling my mom I used soap
  • Sending the Netflix dvds back a week late
  • Letting my gas tank get below a quarter of a tank
  • Wearing mismatching patterns… on purpose
  • Drinking beer before liquor
  • Eating the entire footlong meatball sub and demanding to still be considered a lady
  • Pretending I know about politics
  • Smoking a cigarette, or eight
  • Lying about my age26660_10151252365162559_1982910512_n
  • Lying about my weight
  • Lying about my ethnicity
  • Lying about my accent
  • Lying about everything
  • Leaving my room a mess when I know I have company coming over later
  • Taking a shower and not moisturizing after
  • Day drinking on a Wednesday
  • Leaving a bar tab open
  • Making racially insensitive jokes under my breath
  • Drinking a bottle of wine and getting all active on social media
  • Posting more than one picture a day on Instagram
  • Calling my parents and telling them I’m pregnant
  • Calling my parents and telling them I’ve been arrested
  • Calling my parents and telling them I’m getting married
  • Calling my parents and then hanging up
  • Getting drunk and texting everyone in my phone I shouldn’t be texting
  • Taking an aggressive amount of no filter duckface selfies
  • Sending a hundred snapchats to everyone I have a crush on
  • Changing my email signature at work from Office Coordinator to Tupperware Patrol
  • Wearing glasses and no makeup to work
  • Spending my lunch hour googling pictures of male celebrities in suits
  • Daydreaming about all the times P Diddy has changed his name
  • Doubling down on servings during Bagel Friday
  • Not confessing to all my sins at church
  • Swimming directly after I eat lunch

Sixteen Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Sixteen

110_1005991425174_1486_nI’m going to let you in on a few secrets.  It might make your life a little easier.

But I also know you don’t listen, so this will probably fall on deaf ears.

Right now, you’re in a bubble.  You are comfortable. You’ve been in the same place for your entire life.  But there are things you need to know.  It’s important to understand that when you grow up, your perspectives on things change.

You’re going to be mature as hell.

So stop spending so much time worrying about what other people think of you.  High school is only temporary, and you’re only going to keep in touch with about seven people after you graduate.  These four years of your life are nothing compared to the time you’re going to spend after college with new friends who are with you through the actual hard stuff.

You should still take care of your appearance.  No one looks put together when they come to school wearing their brother’s sweatpants.  Waking up ten minutes before you have to leave is only acceptable if you’re an infant and can’t set an alarm clock.

Put on some jeans and some mascara and look like you actually care about being alive. Dead people kind of tend to emit this “don’t come near me” radar, and it’s pretty powerful.

Don’t drive like an idiot.  But also don’t drive like a senior citizen.  Find a balance somewhere between a glacial pace and road rage and get comfortable.  Always use your turn signals, and never call it a traffic circle.  It’s a rotary.

Eat whatever you want.  Just stop when you’re full.  Moderation is the only way to keep yourself sane.

People go apeshit when they stop eating chocolate.  And no, eating six mini-Kit Kats does not equal eating one regular sized Kit Kat.  Candy math is not a valid reason for overindulgence.

Please stop complaining about how hard your life is.  It’s difficult to take you seriously when you drive a Jeep Wrangler and have an inground swimming pool.  Get a job.

Slap yourself in the face whenever you use the term ‘literally’ and you’re not talking about something that is actually going on in that precise moment.  Do not say you are literally going insane, unless you want to be committed to a mental institution.  This will save you from looking stupid.

Stop saying ‘like’.  It’s really annoying and it makes you sound like Cher from Clueless, except, Paul Rudd will not like you.

Organized dances are overrated.  Spend less money on your prom dress and more money on making sure your hair doesn’t look like an afro.  Highlights are encouraged; a straightener is required.

Start to take more emotional risks.  Closing yourself off will only leave you feeling left out when everyone else has found someone to share their lives with. Figure out what you want and go for it.  Not everything is handed to you.

Rejection only hurts a little.  And wine is the cure for all sorts of emotional bruises.

Save your money.  You will eventually want to move out.  You will not want to bring your poster of The Jonas Brothers to your first apartment.  Buy some art.  And maybe a comforter that doesn’t scream, “I threw up pink.”

Stop being rude to your mother.  Understand that she’s been where you are and is just trying to help.  She also is completely justified to ground you when you sneak out, drink underage, come home late, or don’t call.  Avoid all this by communicating with her.  It will be so much easier.

Your father is pretty cool.  Sit down and talk to him; he will make you laugh.  A lot of your weird tendencies and comedic attributes come from him anyways. You don’t spend enough time with him, and you will regret that.

You might dislike your brothers.  Sorry to say it, but you will still get pissed off at them later in life.  They are boys. They do not think.  Stop holding grudges and get over it.  You’re stuck with them forever, may as well make the best of it.  (Sidenote: you will end up being good friends, just wait it out.)

Don’t take life too seriously.  You’re not here for very long.

For what it’s worth, you turned out okay.  You grew up, you moved out, and made your life interesting.

I’m Too Sexy for This Shirt

You heard me.  I’m just too sexy for it.

Actually, this shirt is too sexy for me.

Have a hangover?  Slap on this vintage, limited edition XXL 2002 Jingle Ball long sleeve shirt and perk your brain right up.  No headaches, just happiness.

Feeling downtrodden?  Not with this fabulous fabric chest piece complete with an intertwined embrace featuring none other than pop superstars, Destiny’s Child.

Don’t have a fashion sense?  Not a problem, because Avril Lavigne is on the back sporting polarized yellow aviators, so you know you’re not the worst looking one in the room.

Forgot about Ja Rule?  Never again, because he’s featured on the front AND the back of this majestic poly-fiber blended shirt.

Want to land a hot date?  Just make sure that Nelly is visible and no one can deny you when you ask, “You want to take a ride with me?”  It’s just science.

Feeling nostalgic? You’re in luck because Justin Timberlake and his frosted tips make an appearance. Never miss out on your 90’s memories again!

Can’t get this shirt out of your head?  Neither can Kylie Minogue!  Turns out, this shirt was the inspiration for that annoying hit song.  You’re welcome, world!

*** No, this is not for sale.  Unless you want to buy it.  Have your people call my people. 

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meg lago’s hangover face.

In A Nutshell, This Is Why I Am Single.

377838_2231746724329_619540547_nIt’s hard to believe really.  I’m walking around this world without a hand to hold.

(Sorry, Mom. I’m too old for your sweaty palms!)

Maybe I’m not “the total package,” maybe I can get too comfortable around boys and forget to get “out of the friendzone.”

Really though, I’m sorry I burped in front of you. I thought it was okay.  My brothers don’t mind, but I guess that’s because they’re forced to have me in their immediate circle for the rest of my life. Where as you, unknown boyfriend of the future, you do not.

I mean like who wouldn’t want to date someone that does the following:

Disclaimer: Some of these have been embellished for entertainment. Either that or I’m just trying to have you not think I’m a total wack job.  But I guess that has been thrown out the window by now. 

  • Unbuckle my belt before I get into a stall in the bathroom
  • Constantly listen to female power ballads by Celine Dion in my car
  • Burp in front of the opposite sex and still expect them to think of me like a dainty, polished lady
  • Avoid showering for a couple days
  • Forget to shower for a couple days
  • Forget to shower for a week (I haven’t done this… in a long time)
  • Actively avoid eating vegetables
  • Lock myself out of my car and/or apartment
  • Drunk dial people on a Tuesday night
  • Barely shave my legs in the winter
  • Internally accept that “winter weight” is an epidemic and can’t do anything about it
  • Use the poop emoji more often than necessary
  • Talk about sexcapades in front of people I have a crush on and expect them to think I’m a pure, polished, non-hussy
  • Wake up on Saturday morning with ketchup stains on my elbow from the bar the night before
  • Argue with other humans that wine is just adult grapes, so I’m getting my fruit intake for the week
  • Irrationally hate other women for having good hair and a nice figure
  • Can’t civilly discuss politics or religion without going on a tangent about either (I know nothing about either, either.)
  • Attempt to talk to boys at the bar and the first thing out of my mouth is how rarely I do laundry
  • Utilize the same vocabulary as a filthy sailor man
  • Have daddy issues
  • Get too drunk and cry about all the feelings I internalize during the workweek
  • Think that twinkies and club soda is an acceptable dinner for a working professional female
  • Live in a closet
  • Sleep in a twin bed… with one set of sheets
  • Talk about my electronic devices as if they are humans
  • Throw a tizzy fit if I miss happy hour by 10 minutes

So boys, LINE UP!