In A Nutshell, This Is Why I Am Single.

377838_2231746724329_619540547_nIt’s hard to believe really.  I’m walking around this world without a hand to hold.

(Sorry, Mom. I’m too old for your sweaty palms!)

Maybe I’m not “the total package,” maybe I can get too comfortable around boys and forget to get “out of the friendzone.”

Really though, I’m sorry I burped in front of you. I thought it was okay.  My brothers don’t mind, but I guess that’s because they’re forced to have me in their immediate circle for the rest of my life. Where as you, unknown boyfriend of the future, you do not.

I mean like who wouldn’t want to date someone that does the following:

Disclaimer: Some of these have been embellished for entertainment. Either that or I’m just trying to have you not think I’m a total wack job.  But I guess that has been thrown out the window by now. 

  • Unbuckle my belt before I get into a stall in the bathroom
  • Constantly listen to female power ballads by Celine Dion in my car
  • Burp in front of the opposite sex and still expect them to think of me like a dainty, polished lady
  • Avoid showering for a couple days
  • Forget to shower for a couple days
  • Forget to shower for a week (I haven’t done this… in a long time)
  • Actively avoid eating vegetables
  • Lock myself out of my car and/or apartment
  • Drunk dial people on a Tuesday night
  • Barely shave my legs in the winter
  • Internally accept that “winter weight” is an epidemic and can’t do anything about it
  • Use the poop emoji more often than necessary
  • Talk about sexcapades in front of people I have a crush on and expect them to think I’m a pure, polished, non-hussy
  • Wake up on Saturday morning with ketchup stains on my elbow from the bar the night before
  • Argue with other humans that wine is just adult grapes, so I’m getting my fruit intake for the week
  • Irrationally hate other women for having good hair and a nice figure
  • Can’t civilly discuss politics or religion without going on a tangent about either (I know nothing about either, either.)
  • Attempt to talk to boys at the bar and the first thing out of my mouth is how rarely I do laundry
  • Utilize the same vocabulary as a filthy sailor man
  • Have daddy issues
  • Get too drunk and cry about all the feelings I internalize during the workweek
  • Think that twinkies and club soda is an acceptable dinner for a working professional female
  • Live in a closet
  • Sleep in a twin bed… with one set of sheets
  • Talk about my electronic devices as if they are humans
  • Throw a tizzy fit if I miss happy hour by 10 minutes

So boys, LINE UP!

An Open Letter to Valentine’s Day

I just have one thing to say to Valentines Day.

Stop making everyone so cynical.

There are a myriad of scenarios.  You feel crappy cause you aren’t celebrating with anyone.  When you do have someone you’re annoyed because he or she isn’t happy with what you planned.  If you’re the awful person who isn’t happy with what your boyfriend or girlfriend planned, I hate you.

If you are one of the people who has a ‘special someone’ to share this blessed day in February with, for the love of God, do not nitpick.  There is nothing worse than waking up and realizing you have a hundred things to do, and only ten minutes to get them done.

Men wake up and feel like this every. single. day.

If it’s not in their direct line of sight, they won’t see it.  If it isn’t playing through their headphones, they won’t hear it.  If they are not hungry, they will not think to ask if you are.  If you didn’t tell them about it that hour, they won’t remember it.

Stop putting pressure on one night.  Do not complain that your dinner wasn’t at the restaurant you two had your first kiss, date, or vegetarian option.  Thank the high heavens that he is a good enough sweet talker to get you into the damn place, enjoy your steak and wine, and maybe even each other’s company.

The fact that he even remembered today was a holiday is a miracle in itself.  Men don’t walk down the card aisle and accidentally get time warped for three hours.  Only women do that.  Men see that aisle, cower in fear, and stick their arm out to grab the first one they reach, praying it is at least funny or sentimental.

It is simple: we are wired differently.  Men are linear beings, while women are curved seven ways to Sunday and then bent in half.  Learn this; you will understand why men don’t do things on a woman’s timeline.

If you are one of the (un)lucky people who does not have a sig-oth (significant other for those abbreviatedly challenged) to hang out with, there are also a ton of things you can do to avoid looking, feeling, and acting like a complete moron.

Please do not allow yourself to sit at home on your couch, wallowing in self-pity, crying into a pint of ice cream because you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to help you achieve pink hearted bliss.

Get your lazy ass off the couch and go to a speed dating convention, download Tinder, walk down the street, or go to a bar.  Any of these things will likely result in the meeting of someone remotely interesting.  Because if you’re choosing to sit at home feeling sorry for yourself due to your relationship status, you have bigger fish to fry and those fish involve a heavy dose of medication and a relaxing seat in a psychiatrist’s office.

When the clock strikes midnight, it is no longer Valentine’s Day, so suck it up.  I’ve had sandwiches that have lasted more than twenty-four hours.  In the timeline of life, it’s not a big deal to miss out on one day.  Put on a nice outfit, look good, and go dance your face off with all the other people at the misery commiseration gala at Ruby Tuesdays.

The world will not stop turning if you don’t have a date.  Time will not stop ticking if you can’t get a reservation at your favorite restaurant.  Chaos will not ensue if you decide you’d rather go out with your friends and dance the night away — okay, chaos may ensue.

Regardless of your relationship status, Valentine’s Day should not determine how you feel about yourself.  If anything, it’s a perfect excuse to cheat on your diet, eat seven chocolate bars, and crush a bottle of wine without apologizing to anyone.

Because I’ll tell you this much, if you do that on any other day of the year, you’ll have to hand-write at least six apology notes, and you won’t feel great about it.