Things I’d Rather Do Instead of Wait In Line for the iPhone 6

iPhone-6-meme-3

#FML

Get ready, world!

The new iPhone is coming out September 19, and your wallet is going to slap you in the face and punch you in the groin until you pee out all your money and you’re left with nothing but a thin metal device that fits in your back pocket and can dial numbers and text just like your old phone could.

But wait!  There’s more!

It has the INTERNET! Oh, the other iPhones have the internet?

I’m confused.

I was reading this article on Mashable about the lines that formed due to the iPhone 5s/c being released last year.  Kids, and in some cases, parents (which is more embarrassing), waited in line and slept overnight just so they can pay two-hundred dollars and probably not even use an upgrade for a phone that will be outdated in about six months.

Anyways, in lieu of the downward spiral in which consumer America is headed, I’ve compiled a list of things I would rather do instead of spending the night sleeping next to the resident homeless man on the city sidewalks.

Things I’d Rather Do Instead of Wait In Line for the iPhone 6:

  1. Actually sleep in a bed. I have to believe that sleeping on a concrete sidewalk next to a bunch of people who are overly-excited about technology, and haven’t showered, has to be what purgatory feels like. I’m also almost certain there will be chants and clapping in unison. No thank you. PS – don’t you work?
  2. Watch All Eight Harry Potter Movies. And honestly, I may not even have enough time for all of them.  I think the first person got in line last year around 7pm the night before.  The stores opened at 8am, making the total time voluntarily spent outdoors clocks in around thirteen hours.  Each of the Harry Potter movies run between two and a half to three hours, so thats only about half the series.  But hey, by the time I watched all eight movies in succession, the new iPhone will be out and I’ll be ready for human contact again. Bonus.
  3.  Read a car manual.  Some people like to camp in anticipation, I’m just more partial to sleeping in a temperature controlled apartment, not having to worry that someone’s going to jack my sidewalk block because I momentarily dozed off. So thanks, but I’ll take laying on my pillow-top mattress reading my Jetta’s manual instead.
  4. Get in line at at the DMV.  You know if that many people are waiting in line for an iPhone, there has to be at least half those people aren’t pre-camping out at the DMV waiting to register their cars.  Knowledge.
  5. Make an entire Thanksgiving meal.  I’d rather sit with a baster and play babysitter to a 26lb turkey making sure it’s cooked to perfection. At least there’s food involved.
  6. Complain about my current iPhone. By making a firm commitment to not buy the new iPhone, this gives me ample opportunities to complain about my current phone every chance I get.
  7. Go grocery shopping right before a natural disaster.  At least you’re semi-guaranteed to get at least one of the things you came for at the grocery store. If you are the loser that shows up at 9pm for an 8am opening, you don’t have a shot in hell.  Time to go home and pop in some of those Harry Potter DVDs, cause you lost. I may not have milk or canned goods, but I can at least get some Nilla Wafers and perishables before you get your iPhone.

Do I envy the people who will waste a night of precious, comfortable sleep to get it? No.

Am I bitter I won’t have the new iPhone? Absolutely.

But, I will bet you ten dollars that the people who wait in line for this phone are the same people that had those rechargeable Power Wheels drag racing down the street, one-upping the entire neighborhood.

I hate your commitment. But I respect your hustle.

***

Are you excited for the new iPhone?

Things That Are More Important Than The Next Royal Baby

Or, if you were alive last week, Angelina Jolie’s wedding dress.  Because that was totally monumental and headline worthy.

Oh no, I hope I didn’t offend anyone.

Aside from real world problems and issues like genocide, civil warfare, and the ongoing conflicts in the Middle East, there are a number of things that are more interesting and relatively important than the soon-to-be birth of the second royal baby.

Plus, we have nine whole months of “baby bump” monitoring before we even see what the thing looks like.  So, instead of getting all your panties in a bunch over Kate Middleton’s fetus, you should maybe table your investment until month eight, and save your sanity.

Here is a list of things that you can do within the next nine months instead of caring about an unborn royal child that isn’t even related to you and never will know who you are in any capacity:

 

  • Try everything on the Taco Bell breakfast menu
  • Drink infinity magnum bottles of wine
  • Watch most of the CSI reruns on Spike
  • Nap
  • Try lowering America’s obesity problem
  • Learn how not to be socially awkward
  • Figure out how to talk to adults
  • Pay rent on your apartment
  • Take a shower
  • Come up with a word other than ‘baby bump’ to describe pregnancy
  • Make sure you eat three square meals a day
  • Read the entire series of Game of Thrones
  • Then watch the television show to compare plot lines and accuracy
  • Watch three seasons come and go
  • Hike the Appalachian Trail
  • Drive across country
  • Learn to play a new sport
  • Exercise
  • Get someone at an old folks home to remember your name
  • Go back to grade school
  • Grow a plant
  • Break a bone and watch it heal
  • Pick up a skill like basket weaving, knitting, or caring about other people
  • Watch your hair grow out and then chop it off
  • Make a new friend
  • Wait for the new iPhone to come out
  • Learn to type without looking at the keyboard
  • Try as many new restaurants as possible
  • Rearrange all the furniture in your apartment
  • Get pregnant and have a kid you will/should actually care about

… Just some thoughts.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Going Back To School

“Back to school, back to school, to prove to my dad I am not a fool.” – Billy Madison

After a long summer of doing absolutely nothing but laying by the pool, having bonfires, and ignoring your parents’ curfew, you finally have to bite the bullet and go back to academic prison stifling your sleep schedule, fun schedule, and happiness schedule.

I have a job where I don’t use either of my degrees.  I’m not bitter.  I’m not mad about the debt that I’ve racked up over the course of my six years of higher education.  But aside from my passive aggressive attempt to displace my stupidity at not pursuing the career I originally wanted, I do have some serious FOMO (“fear of missing out” for those acronymly challenged people) when it comes to going back to school.

I’d like to say I’d do more than one thing differently.

Judging by my extensive time spent in various higher education institutions, and my penchant for talking for the sake of talking, I’ve compiled this list of things you should and shouldn’t do when it comes to going to college.

DISCLAIMER: In no way, shape, or form, should you take these statements as  fact, absolute truths, or completely applicable to everyday life.  I am questionably insane and still eat poptarts and wine for dinner. 

The Do’s and Don’ts of Going Back To School:

  •  Make sure you research your roommates, there’s nothing like finding out your roommate hates the way you chew and refuses to let you eat Jolly Ranchers in her presence
  • Get dressed for class, looking presentable is acceptable in the real world, it’s also appreciated in college
  • Pick out your first day of school outfit.  First impressions are real.
  • Get a white noise machine, your roommate will probably snore, and it will probably be loud, and you probably won’t sleep very well
  • Prepare to sleep talk, it’s totally normal, and definitely not something that is unique to myself
  • Wear flip flops in the communal showers, boys are gross, girls are disgusting
  • Stock up on extension cords, you will most likely only have one outlet for 3 people
  • Understand that you may not be best friends with your roommate, you may actually hate them
  • Be aware that you may become best friends with your roommate, and that is awesome
  • Know that all you can eat dining halls exist
  • So does the freshman fifteen
  • And the freshman thirty
  • Avoid the gym after January 1st, it’s filled with people who resolve to change their bodies with the turn of the new year
  • Go to the gym after January 15th, at this point, all these new years resolutions have dissolved
  • Beer is your friend, but it will make you fat
  • Vodka is your friend, but it will make you really drunk
  • Heels are not your friend, they will make you fall over
  • Prepare to lose your keys or ID card once every year
  • Accommodate for the fact that your meal plan will run out, bring tupperware
  • Free is always good, find the events on campus and attack them (not maliciously)
  • Join a club, a sorority, or a sports team, you will make better friends
  • The people on your floor may be weird, accept them
  • Attempt to study abroad, living in another country is a culturally rich experience
  • Don’t stay up for hours watching To Catch A Predator marathons instead of going out, it gives off a weird vibe
  • Indulge in naps, they are totally and utterly acceptable
  • Read the rules of the dorms, don’t get fined for having hideous, floor length, denim curtains because they’re a fire hazard
  • Go to the sports events, even if you hate sports, camaraderie is real, even if your school sucks
  • Don’t buy books at the bookstore, there are far better places to rent them for the semester, and then you’re not stuck with a $200 Biology textbook with a frog on the cover
  • If you do buy your textbooks, sell them on Amazon
  • But don’t buy your textbooks, split them with a friend in class, sharing is caring
  • Get used to walking, if you’re at a big school, learn the bus routes, if you’re at a small school, that sucks
  • Don’t leave your drink out in the open, roofies are real
  • Dress the way you want, college is one of the only times you can get away with wearing a short, tight dress on a Wednesday without people thinking you’re a streetwalker

Above all, enjoy these four years, it’s the last chance you’ll get to live without rules and not have to pay rent.  Living on your own is a blessing, but getting up for work is mandatory, so take advantage of skipping classes with little to no repercussions.


What are pieces of advice YOU recommend for college?

The Banana Crisis of 2014

Sometimes you wake up and think that it’s going to be a good week.  Then sometimes you wake up, walk into work, and are greeted by a sight so perplexing, it would make Socrates and Plato shake in their teva sandals.

This morning, I was bombarded by an undocumented table full of bananas.

exhibit A.

exhibit A.

I’ve talked openly about my decision to take it upon myself to liberate office fruits from their corporate purgatory, but this task was just too large to surmount.  I was immediately defeated and called Uncle.

No really, I called my uncle and asked him what on God’s green earth I should be doing with all these potassium filled breakfast treats.  A coworker suggested buying a monkey, but I’m trying to get a raise in the near future, and purchasing an office chimp doesn’t seem like a budgetarily sound alternative to a pay increase.

After extensive research, Pea Pod has since admitted their error, and has agreed to take this case on and dub it The Banana Crisis of 2014.

They have informed me that they cannot take the bananas off my hands, so I sent out the following email to my co-workers in an effort to deplete the amount of yellow fruit lurking around the office.

email

necessary company wide email.

 

There have been limited takers, and I am sitting behind a potassium fueled wall with no end in sight.  Thus, I have decided to scour the interwebs and find a home for the nans.

I am on the hunt for any potassium deficient children, rogue monkeys, or anyone who has an upcoming bake sale and a penchant for making really delicious banana bread. 

Also, if you are Jack Johnson, please call me, I can help you out with making those pancakes and pretending it’s the weekend.

Here is a list of potential uses for the aforementioned bananas:

  • eat them
  • banana bread
  • banana nut muffins
  • strawberry banana smoothie
  • banana boomerangs
  • use one or many as a telephone
  • makeshift headbands
  • pretend we are in Jamaica
  • phallic symbols everywhere
  • attract birds and butterflies
  • perfect the peeling technique
  • learn how to appropriately put on a condom
  • play banana jenga
  • have a ripe-off contest
  • attempt the classic banana peel fall as seen in various movies and cartoons
  • use them as alternative smiles and frowns when your face is tired
  • pretend to be monkeys
  • introduce an office-wide scavenger hunt
  • throw them out

***

Help. What would YOU do in this situation?

 

Overheard at the Old Folks Home

I have old people on my mind lately, I should probably look into that.

I have to believe that getting old is essentially like reliving your youth all over again.  No one really cares how you act or what comes out of your mouth.  People just chock up all your ridiculous behavior to the fact that you’ve past your prime and you’re just angry at life not being how it use to be.

And then you get put into a home.  Which I assume is just one big party for the elders.  Unless, of course, you get saddled with a Ben Stiller-esque figure from Billy Madison, then living out your days at Shady Acres is a big, fat, jello-filled nightmare.

But with whatever hormones you have left, I’m sure Barney in room 112 can help you figure out a way to blow off some steam.

I have this vision that old people homes are just like high schools.  There has to be the popular grandmas, that just talk shit about the staff and how they don’t appropriately portion their canned veggies.  Then there are the grandpas who still have movement and can be considered the jocks with the way they work a cribbage board.

For all intents and purposes, we’re going to go with the assumption that my thoughts on old folk living is real, and for that I bring you:

Overheard At The Old Folks Home:

“Oh my God, did you see Earnest this morning?  His hearing aid looks amazing!”

“Lyle’s new wheelchair totally has the hook up, I’m going to go ask him for a ride to the cafeteria.”

“I saw a new shipment of Viagra come in today.  Whoever’s it is, I am sitting next to them at dinner.”

“The girls and I are going to hit up bingo later tonight, put on some lipstick, let’s get lucky!”

“I had a wild night last night, Vern came over and we watch four episodes of Murder, She Wrote, put the guardrails down and snuggled on my hospital bed.”

“Damnit, Beth!  I told you, we wear orthopedic shoes on Wednesday, not Doc Martins.”

“Did you see Don’s shoes?  He totally got insoles.”

“I used to not think Carl was cute, but I just got my prescription renewed, and he doesn’t have nearly as many wrinkles as I thought.”

“I love the way Otis plays cards, he’s got such a good poker face.” “Glenda, I just think his face is stuck like that.”

“I’m sorry, Gladys, I can’t play bridge tonight.  Clancy invited me over to room 222 to play Poker with him and Charles.  I think I’m going to get lucky.”

“What do you mean, I’m being coy? We just stayed up for hours talking and watching the Price Is Right!”

“Honestly, if you don’t find Ellen’s walking cane a total turn on, you must be gay.”

“I mean, we were kissing but then I told her I wanted to rest my eyes, and I woke up the next day.”

“Barbara Walters is a slut.”

“Don just pulled up in a used Plymouth Breeze, I think I’m in love.”

“Earl? Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on between us, he ditched me today to play golf.”

“I’m sorry, I’m not myself today, I haven’t had my prunes.”

“Tracy is a cheat.  She took my answer to 56 across and claimed it was HER idea.”


This is all speculation, of course.  Old people homes could be ruthless elderly penitentiaries, and I’m sitting here thinking it’s T-Birds and Pink Ladies.  I guess I won’t know for another forty years.

But you best believe I’m finding the fastest motorized scooter in that building and making the owner my manfriend.

How To Determine If You’re Actually An Old Person

Lookin' good, girlfran!

Lookin’ good, girlfran!

If you answer yes to one or more of the following questions, you may be an old person.

So break out those typewriters, get some chalk and a slate, and let’s talk all talk about all the differences from “when we were your age.”

We’re taking a mental tally and determining if you should be considered a senior citizen and grab yourself a discounted movie ticket!

 You may be an old person if:

  • Your idea of risky behavior is leaving the free square open in a game of bingo
  • Your bedtime is before the nightly news
  • Your concept of dinnertime coincides with the phrase “early bird special”
  • You frequently style your hair with plastic rollers
  • You prefer shoes that are comfortable rather than fashionable
  • You only look at movie times prior to noon
  • You are visually impaired
  • You drive an oversized sedan at a very low speed
  • You wear sunglasses that cover three sides of your face
  • Leftovers is your favorite meal
  • You find yourself using everyday items as a crutch to get you to and from locations
  • You often utilize office equipment (rolly chairs) as transportation devices in order to subsidize your desire to own a motorized scooter
  • The first thing you order at a diner is a bran muffin with extra raisins
  • You hate rap music
  • You substitute common curse words with child-friendly versions
  • You purchase Activia yogurt
  • Your idea of Halloween candy is a cough drop or a Werther’s butterscotch toffee
  • Prunes are a regular part of your dietary routine
  • You constantly find yourself reminiscing on times of when you were someone’s age
  • You find yourself replacing social activities with today’s crossword or sudoku puzzle
  • You are easily angered and perplexed by the internet
  • You find yourself using any excuse to take photos with a physical camera
  • You use the term “rest your eyes” instead of “taking a long ass nap”
  • Your cell phone is not smart
  • You have a coin collection that extends from the spare change in your wallet
  • You live in Florida
  • You live on a golf course
  • You have high cholesterol
  • You’re in a book club that doesn’t read books
  • You misplace everyday objects like your glasses or your pants
  • You have dentures or some sort of teeth protector
  • You opt to pay with a check and don’t understand why people are angry or confused about it
  • You find yourself outfitted in sweaters and slacks when it’s any temperature below 72
  • You yell at children to get off your lawn
  • You’re dead

Or you may just be me and be twenty-five and love wine so much that you’d rather sit at home alone and pantless on a Friday night watching Netflix than go out and be social.


What is your favorite old person stereotype?

BREAKING NEWS: TODAY IS NATIONAL HOT DOG DAY

PALMED IT

PALMED IT

Hot dogs are like real dogs, they’re man’s best friend.  Or they’re like your favorite uncle that comes into town and everyone wants to hang out because it’s a special treat.  He’s part of the food family, but not immediate like chicken or ham.

He’s the mystery meat.  No one really knows how he’s related to you, but you’re so intrigued you’ll stand there with an empty beer and talk to him about absolutely nothing for an hour.

In honor of National Hot Dog Day, here’s a list of why the dog is better than the burg, and why you should drop everything right now and google map the crap out of the nearest stand:

  • There’s an obvious sexual innuendo, which is always fun, gratifying, and awkward at family gatherings with small children
  • They fit perfectly into one hand, leaving your other hand free for a choco taco or a beverage of your choosing
  • You don’t need two, but you can have more than one without being considered overindulgent
  • Uni-buns.  No top and bottoms for this guy
  • They’re mysterious, you never really know what’s in them, and you don’t want to, because then you’d never come back for more
  • They’re seasonal, yet always an option
  • They’re versatile: grill, steam, boil, or microwave
  • Great for sporting events
  • You don’t need garnish
  • Particularly great when paired with other foods like mac and cheese
  • Frank is both a strong boy’s name and a food group
  • An alternative to the traditional BBQ food
  • But not too much like the veggie burger
  • No one ever said, “Hey, you should stop eating those hot dogs”
  • Variations appear in all meals: sausages and street meat
  • Great for both lunch and dinner
  • Man’s best friend
  • Chilli dogs win wars and cure cancer
  • Condiments are a statement AND an accessory AND a reflection on your personality
  • Easy to walk and eat at the same time
  • You won’t look dumb at a sporting event
  • It’s big enough for a meal and small enough for a snack
  • You don’t have to limit yourself to one part of the animal because you never really know where it comes from
  • If you’re dangerous, go without the bun
  • Good for kids and adults alike
  • You’re never too old to eat a hot dog
  • Everyone loves dick jokes

Frankly, if you don’t enjoy a frank on a hot day, I don’t want to know you as a person.

Happy National Hot Dog Day!

Thanks to Katie (@katiebresnahan) for helping me compile this delicious list and for also seeking out and doing a dog chow down on my lunch break.


What do you think is the best thing about hot dogs?

This Weekend, I Kicked Adversity Square In The Face.

You know, because adversity has a face, and it’s most definitely square.

Sometimes life hands you lemons, and if you’re me, you grab a glass of wine and make some bangin’ sangria.

But sometimes, life hands you presents neatly wrapped with pretty packaging and bows on top.  You know, like the ones you’re thinking about the entire time your grandmother is talking about pickling olives or how she’s trying a new foot cream.

So innocent.

So innocent.

That’s how I feel when I’m at work and I know there’s a big, fat bottle of wine waiting for me when I get home.

Among other things, like food and water, I think that wine is a necessary part of my diet.  It’s just that one little slice (okay, it’s like two slices, and they’re pretty big) that makes up the pizza of sanity I need while I’m here on earth.

I was minding my own business, ready to indulge in Pinot Noir bliss, when disaster struck.

Using my mustache wine opener, because I’m trendy as hell, I attempted to open the bottle.  Right when I’m about to remove the cork, the mustache part of the corkscrew popped off.

And suddenly, I was left with this obstacle to overcome.

#HELP

#HELP

True to form, I am not one to step away from a challenge.

First I tried using my sheer, brute strength to open the bottle, but my fingers can’t grip tight enough, and frankly, I’m weaker than a newborn baby, so my efforts failed.

I know what you’re thinking, “Hey Meg, why don’t you just give up and not drink the wine tonight?  Maybe have a glass of ice water and go to bed?”

And to that I say, “Shame on you.”  I never leave the scene of a crime.

CHA-CHING.

CHA-CHING.

I struggled with my decision to continue my attempt at opening the Elusive Yellowtail until I realized that I had pliers and a brain.

I took the pliers, and reversed the corkscrew out of the bottle.

Instead of going to bed by 830pm, I was up a little longer.  But what I learned through this entire ordeal, is that if you want something, you may just have to use the toolset your father gave you for Christmas that you bitched about because it was a manly gift and you’re a woman who would prefer to not be lumped into group gifts just because you have three brothers.

So, thank you, Father.  Thank you for that majestic tool set.  I will never complain again.  (Don’t quote me on that.)

Cheers.

 

A Rational Response To This Ridiculous Article On Why Guys Think Girls Are Crazy.

snucvtIn the most non-shocking news of the day, men and women are really different.

Women are relational.  Men are reserved.

Women are figurative.  Men are literal.  (Except they literally can’t even sometimes.  They die.)

But despite all the differences and the arguments that may arise from them, there are some things that just don’t make sense when it comes to women.

I admit that we are all a little crazy.  It’s because we have to think about the fact that after we’re married, we’re most likely going to be confined to our home cleaning up other people’s shit for the next thirty years of our lives.

#Feminism

Anyways, my coworker shared this article from Elite Daily entitled The Dictionary Of Everything Girls Do That Guys Label Crazy (Even Though They’re Not), and again, it gives normal women in the world a bad reputation.

What I want to do is clarify this list of crazy things, explain why this girl is not speaking for all women, and give credit to men where credit is due. 

 Editor's Note: Original article's 10 thoughts in blue. 
 My 10 thoughts are black, like my soul.

1. Say we’re fine when we are far from fine

If you are at a point in your relationship where you still have to pretend you’re not fine, you need to reevaluate that relationship.  Stop making the person you’re with read between the lines.  Honestly is the best policy.  Tell them you hate the way they chew their food, or that their shoes smell like dog poop.  It may not fix the problem, but it damn well will fix the fact that you’ll be pouting for the next thirty minutes and he’ll be wondering why you’re doing it.

2. Eat salad for dinner

Women should not accept salads for dinner as “the norm.”  This is the reason for drunk eating, and binging, and hiding food and pretending you have allergies that you don’t (I see you gluten).  Eat some bread and get the penne ala vodka and enjoy yourself.  Be an adult and know stop you’re full.

3. Take forever to get ready

If you have no one waiting for you, take however long you want.  Just don’t tell anyone how long it took you.  If someone is waiting for you, be an adult, learn some time management, and get ready in a timely fashion.  You’re not a doctor, no one wants to wait for you to decide you’re ready.

4. Spend an entire paycheck on makeup

This is absolutely, positively, mind-blowingly crazy.  If you spend your entire paycheck on makeup, I assume you have never learned anything about budgeting.  You also probably live at home with your parents and are working a part time job where spending a pay check is a reasonable thing to do because you don’t have normal living expenses.

5. Go to the bathroom in pairs

In a crowded club or bar, absolutely, no one wants to get abducted.

6. Only drink vodka waters

This probably means that you’re constantly worrying about your weight and can’t enjoy life.  Have a beer, drink wine, vodka is not the skinny girl drank of all women.  I’m sure at the time, you weren’t worried about how you’d look in the morning after sweating on the dance floor, or after taking your heels off and walking home. Deal with the bloating.  Have a beer.

7. Eat our feelings

Refer to number 2.

8. Stalk people on social media

Everyone stalks people on social media.  It’s the degree to which you do it that’s crazy.  If you just met a guy on tinder and have already found out where he went to high school and whether or not he has a sister or a girlfriend in his profile picture, that is where you draw the crazy line.

9. Gossip about our friends then love them 10 minutes later

This is stupid.  Man up and talk shit about your friend you hate to the friend you hate.  Being an adult sucks, but it comes with the fact that confrontation is expected and respected for a mature friendship to last.

10. Have 10+ pairs of black heels that correspond with our 10+ little black dresses

Girls like collecting clothing, regardless of color or size.  But there are men out there who are just as bad with their shoes and hats.  So it’s an even playing field in the fashion department.

11. Spend over $100 on a clothing item that is smaller than a piece of underwear

I don’t know what piece of clothing you can justify buying that is smaller than underwear for over $100, but girlfriend, you’re doing it wrong.  Go to Marshalls – get more for less.

An Open Letter To My Alma Mater,

college-fees

I hope this letter does not fall on deaf ears.

But apparently, each time I tell you to remove my name off your list, nobody seems to listen.

So here we go.

I’d like to thank you for your recent telephone inquiry on whether or not I would be interested in donating any denomination of money to my former institution of higher education.

Unfortunately, I will not be able to contribute this time around, or any time in the near future.

I get it; higher education is more than just monetary value.

Well, except when the price tag for tuition is more than three arms, six legs, your unborn child, and childhood pet.  Couple that with the fact that most students will be paying off the loans taken out, just to attend said university, until they are old enough to run for president, and then higher education is about the monetary value.

Please forgive me if this sounds rather short.  I don’t mean to be rude.  I am currently stressed about paying my rent, budgeting for groceries, and figuring out how to have an active social life on a miniscule salary.

I simply cannot commit to giving my money at this time.

I can, however, provide you with multiple instances over the course of my stay that conclusively clarify my budgetary commitment to the institution that taught me so much more than how to shotgun a beer in ten seconds or that I have a serious issues with self-control around all-you-can-eat buffets.

For four years, I donated to this university when I purchased countless supportive sporting event tickets.  When concerts or special events came to campus, I paid to attend.

Freshman year my RA decided my floor-to-ceiling denim blackout curtains were not only atrocious, but a fire hazard; and instead of admitting I was fined for fashion faux pas, I considered it a mandatory donation.

Every time I walked into the school store to buy a t-shirt, a sweatshirt, or a hat to represent school spirit,  I donated and subsequently advertised.  Because, in case I didn’t mention, I’m a local celebrity, and what I wear makes mad buzz ripples around the hometown circuits.

When I finally completed all my degree requirements, I donated when I bought my cap and gown, and again when I wanted copies of my transcripts.  I paid to wear a black, cloth trash bag.

I just simply cannot commit to giving any more of my money at this time.

Maybe when I am older, I’ll have finished paying off my loans, and established myself in my career. Maybe I will have more of a disposable income to allocate such funds towards the school that did not really do much to help me get a job upon graduation.

Or maybe I’ll just be saving up to put my kids through school.

All so you can call them after graduation and ask if they’d like to donate any of their money to the institution that will give them the brightest future and the most hope.

PS – I’m sorry I hung up on you after your introductory sentence.  That was rude and I am sorry.

Sincerely,

Anyone Who Has Ever Graduated Or Attempted To Graduate College But Is Too Poor To Give Back Or Too Cynical To Care