It’s hard to believe really. I’m walking around this world without a hand to hold.
(Sorry, Mom. I’m too old for your sweaty palms!)
Maybe I’m not “the total package,” maybe I can get too comfortable around boys and forget to get “out of the friendzone.”
Really though, I’m sorry I burped in front of you. I thought it was okay. My brothers don’t mind, but I guess that’s because they’re forced to have me in their immediate circle for the rest of my life. Where as you, unknown boyfriend of the future, you do not.
I mean like who wouldn’t want to date someone that does the following:
Disclaimer: Some of these have been embellished for entertainment. Either that or I’m just trying to have you not think I’m a total wack job. But I guess that has been thrown out the window by now.
- Unbuckle my belt before I get into a stall in the bathroom
- Constantly listen to female power ballads by Celine Dion in my car
- Burp in front of the opposite sex and still expect them to think of me like a dainty, polished lady
- Avoid showering for a couple days
- Forget to shower for a couple days
- Forget to shower for a week (I haven’t done this… in a long time)
- Actively avoid eating vegetables
- Lock myself out of my car and/or apartment
- Drunk dial people on a Tuesday night
- Barely shave my legs in the winter
- Internally accept that “winter weight” is an epidemic and can’t do anything about it
- Use the poop emoji more often than necessary
- Talk about sexcapades in front of people I have a crush on and expect them to think I’m a pure, polished, non-hussy
- Wake up on Saturday morning with ketchup stains on my elbow from the bar the night before
- Argue with other humans that wine is just adult grapes, so I’m getting my fruit intake for the week
- Irrationally hate other women for having good hair and a nice figure
- Can’t civilly discuss politics or religion without going on a tangent about either (I know nothing about either, either.)
- Attempt to talk to boys at the bar and the first thing out of my mouth is how rarely I do laundry
- Utilize the same vocabulary as a filthy sailor man
Have daddy issues
- Get too drunk and cry about all the feelings I internalize during the workweek
- Think that twinkies and club soda is an acceptable dinner for a working professional female
- Live in a closet
- Sleep in a twin bed… with one set of sheets
- Talk about my electronic devices as if they are humans
- Throw a tizzy fit if I miss happy hour by 10 minutes
So boys, LINE UP!