How To Determine If You’re Lazy

If you answer yes to one or more of these questions, you may be lazy.

If you answer yes to all of these questions, you may be my twin, so call me.  We can sit on the couch and try and send each other telepathic notes because we’re too lazy to speak.

10-things-you-can-t-change-about-him-no-matter-how-hard-you-try-1494275974-jul-10-2012-600x335

my man!

You might be lazy if…

  • You watch the commercials because the remote is on the table
  • You don’t brush your teeth because you just left the bathroom and don’t want to go back.
  • You eat any combination of breakfast/lunch/dinner/dessert/snacks/drinks for meals because you have not gone grocery shopping in a month.
  • You go rogue at the grocery store because you left your list in your car.
  • You go up and down every aisle in the grocery store because you did bring your list with you, it’s just at the bottomless pit that is your purse.
  • You imagine working out in your head, and then convince yourself that you actually did it.
  • You don’t want to answer a text message because it’s a lot of effort to type.
  • You stay in on the weekends because hanging out in no pants is a lot easier than getting dolled up.
  • You choose to wear your glasses because putting contacts in your eyeballs means then applying make up.
  • You don’t make your bed, you just pull your comforter up to the top in order to cover the sheets.
  • You don’t even pull up your comforter.
  • You wear a sports bra because you slept in it and didn’t want to change.
  • You don’t even wear a bra.
  • You avoid doing laundry because it means getting up.
  • You think showering is a chore rather than a necessity.
  • You play the neutral game in your car because you don’t fill up your gas tank.
  • You roll 10 feet over to the garbage can because your chair has wheels.
  • You don’t make food on the weekends because delivery comes to you.
  • You’d rather watch a movie because it cuts down the amount of time you’ll have to use the remote.
  • You don’t exercise.
  • You can’t finish simple tasks.
  • You call other people while you’re in your house to bring you things two rooms away.
  • You email you mom asking about your insurance information, even though you have a card in your wallet.
  • You use dry shampoo and perfume before you walk out the door and then tell your friends you were late because you were showering.
  • You consider exercise walking to the kitchen and back.
  • You clean your room by putting things in piles and then hiding them under things.
  • You put small bags of garbage into bigger garbage bags instead of throwing them in the dumpster.
  • You see how many times you can get away with wearing the same shirt/pants combination before someone questions your hygiene.
  • You would rather take a nap than deal with the fact that you haven’t eaten in four hours.
  • You use paper plates because all the clean ones are in the dishwasher.
  • You use your hands as a plate because you have no paper plates because you used them all due to the clean ones being in the dishwasher.
  • You go to Costco specifically to get lunch from all the free samples.
  • You didn’t finish this list because you fell asleep.
  • You didn’t finish this list because you’re me and didn’t want to think of any more scenarios.

 

42 Things Everyone Is Thinking While They’re Shopping At Walmart

… or at Target, KMart, Costco or any other variety superstore that requires a list, a plan, and a hefty dose of patience.

  1.  Do I need a cart?
  2. I should probably get a cart.
  3. Damnit, I’m getting a basket. Even though they hurt my arms; the handles aren’t very plush.
  4. Okay, where’s my list? Did I bring my list? Dammit, guess I’m going rogue.
  5. I’m not buying sale items, I’m only here for the essentials.
  6. OH! Look! 50% off bathing suits!
  7. Focus.
  8. Without a list, I’m just going to go down every aisle in case I miss something.
  9. Wait, I’ll stop in the greeting card section for a minute… or twelve.
  10. Honestly, who just LEAVES their cart in the middle of the aisle?
  11. If it’s empty, I can take it, right?
  12. Counting three, two, one. Okay, it’s mine.  Peace out, dumbass basket.
  13. Crap, this has a messed up wheel.  That’s why it was abandoned.
  14. WHERE THE HELL IS MY LIST?
  15. Did I bring my phone?
  16. I want to ride those display bicycles.
  17. Why is my cart squeaking?
  18. Okay, time to check out, I’ve been here too long.
  19. Why did I grab Twinkies AND Devil Dogs?
  20. So, which line looks fastest?
  21. Far left, far left. ATTACK, ATTACK.
  22. Fuck.  I should have gone right.
  23. I shouldn’t have spent so much time in the card aisle.  I always get sucked in.
  24. Are old people always asking questions about sales?
  25. That guy got in line at the same time as me, let’s have a race.
  26. He’s totally going to pay before me. Damnit.
  27. WHY ARE YOU DOING SEPARATE TRANSACTIONS, WOMAN?
  28. Should I switch lines?
  29. No, I’m committed now.
  30. Do I need a snack while I’m waiting?  I like Reeses.  OH, Butterfingers.
  31. I’ll read a magazine.  Is it cheating if I read it but don’t buy it?
  32. The stuff on the exit shelves look good, how do I buy that but stay in line?
  33. You actually don’t need an inflatable pool to put in your pool, get with it.
  34. WHY HAVE I NOT MOVED IN ONE HUNDRED MINUTES?
  35. She’s using pennines.  This old woman is paying in pennies.  I hate her.
  36. Someone get this woman a debit card!
  37. That guy is about to be at the register.  I can totally win this game.
  38. Scan away, cashier, scan away.
  39. I’ll load up my belongings on the conveyor belt, it will be helpful, and I always dreamed of ringing up items as a cashier when I was a child.
  40. Swipe!
  41. No thanks, I don’t want my receipt with four items and six thousand miles of coupons.
  42. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

What drives YOU insane when you’re shopping?

Does Heaven Have An Open Bar?

Dichotomy City.

Dichotomy City.

I have already talked about how I’m going to hell, but since turning twenty-five, my mother told me to grow up I’m all about making dramatic life changes in order to become a better person.

A few weeks ago I was at the gas station when a homeless woman came up to me and asked me for money so she could buy a coffee.  I never carry cash, so I went in with her and used my debit card to get her a medium light and sweet.

The next day a man asked me for some money so he could buy a T pass. Again, I never carry cash, but I swiped him through the turnstile so he could catch the next train.

I don’t carry cash for a variety of reasons.  One, I am too disorganized in my purse to ever hold on to any amount of money.  Second, using credit cards gives the illusion that I’m not spending real money, so if I don’t see the cash physically disappear, it must still be in my bank account (this is completely rational thinking, by the way).

But not carrying cash in those two instances allowed me to do something good with my money.  Now I know buying a coffee and a train ride aren’t the basis for getting into heaven, but I have to believe it’s a good start.

This whole path towards greatness got me thinking about what heaven must be like.  And if I’m going to be in it, there definitely needs to be a few things to make my eternal stay in the afterlife a comfortable one.  I made this list assuming bacon was already present, because frankly, excluding it would be preposterous.

Here is a list of the things that (absolutely) have to be in heaven:

1. Naps

You have to be outside of your mind if you don’t think that I will spend every night dreaming about nap time, and every day planning out when it’s happening.

2. Wine

Grapes on grapes on grapes.  Wine for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Wine is water, and water is wine. I think the bible says that.

3. Buffets

I can’t be in an eternal place of peace and serenity and not have unlimited access to selections from Taco Bell, Pizza Hut and KFC.  KFC biscuits are a deity.

4. Teleports

Aint nobody got time to wait in line in heaven. I can’t be dealing with traffic up in the sky when I want to go to Cloud Bar for a 7pm dinner reservation.

5. Jax Teller

I don’t understand why I would have to explain this one.

6. Baby Animals

Puppies will always be puppies, and baby pandas will be my pillows, and there will be a baby jungle full of baby lions, tigers, bears, OH MY! Basically heaven will be Neverland for animals.

7. Trampolines

No one has a bad day after playing on a trampoline. I will also miraculously be gifted the talent of being able to do gymnastics, so trampolines will have infinitely more applications in my afterlife.

8. Good Hair Days

There is no way I don’t wake up in heaven with perfect tendrils or tresses or curls, it’s just not possible. Hair always looks good in heaven. I think it’s because there’s no humidity or something. Don’t quote me on that.

In the vein of all things glorious, there are definitely a list of things that are, under no circumstances, allowed in heaven (with or without me).

1. The DMV

The DMV belongs in hell. Those people probably didn’t pay their parking tickets and have more of a use for it anyways. Heaven only lets in good drivers.

2. Airport Security

I’m going to fly with nine hundred water bottles and regular sized shampoos.

3. Push Button/Hand Sensor Faucets

Heaven trusts people to turn the faucet off when you’re done washing your hands.  The people in hell deserve to have sensors tell them when they’ve hit their water quota.

4. Food Allergies

I’ve lived too long with a dairy allergy. I reserve the right to gorge my face with cheese and ice cream, or cheese-flavored-ice cream in heaven.  Food allergies are going to hell. BE GONE.

 

25 Things I Learned from 24.

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This could be the reason.

Today is my twenty-fifth birthday. Here is what I learned from the past year.  In list form.  Because I’m extremely hungover.

  1. Just because you are the loudest person in the room, doesn’t mean you deserve to be heard.
  2. Never pay full price for a baseball game ticket.  Wait a couple innings and scalp them for half price.
  3. Family is forever.   Suck it up, confront your problems, and get over it.
  4. Walking in heels should be an olympic sport.
  5. It’s better to have a small group of close friends, than a large group of acquaintances.
  6. People like to get married when you’re poor.
  7. If you sleep with someone the first time, you probably won’t get called back.
  8. Branch out and make new friends.  Just don’t forget about your old ones.
  9. Travel whenever you can.  Don’t be that person that regrets doing something because you didn’t want to spend the money.
  10. Grocery shopping doesn’t mean going to the CVS snack aisle.
  11. Find something you love, and then find time to do it on a consistent basis.
  12. Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t do something.
  13. Unless its referring to parking your car in a tow away zone. Then you should listen to that.
  14. Boys have feelings too, whether they admit it or not.
  15. People aren’t going to be interested in your life unless you show an interest in theirs.
  16. Acting like a jackass is acceptable if you’re wearing an oversized, floppy hat.  #Regal.
  17. Don’t make a kissy duck face at a camera unless that camera is actually a live human being that you plan on kissing.
  18. Learn to be alone. Understanding your personal needs will only better every other aspect in your life.
  19. Don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings.  Unless you’re afraid to talk about your feelings, then writing a strongly worded letter is a great secondary option.
  20. Landing your dream job doesn’t happen on the first try.
  21. Unless your dream job is to be unemployed, in which case, you’re in luck.
  22. Effective communication is a lost art.  People say what they don’t mean and mean what they don’t say.
  23. Rallying after day drinking is a lot harder once you have graduated college.
  24. Wine is acceptable to drink at all hours of the day.  Breakfast wine is badass and definitely not an early sign of alcoholism.
  25. Trust your instincts.  There’s a reason why you feel conflicted about eating street meat at 2am.

Things Boys Are Doing While They’re Not Texting You Back

You asked him about his thoughts on the color blue, and he hasn’t responded.  The nerve!

Here’s what he could be doing instead:

  • sleeping
  • rattling off sports statistics in a macho-off with his friends
  • eating pizza
  • doing hoodrat shit with his friends
  • watching baseball
  • watching basketball
  • watching football
  • watching hockey
  • watching any other sport in the world
  • watching sports center
  • reading ESPN.comgirlfriend-clingy-crazy-texting
  • eating burritos
  • googling pictures of Dwayne Wade
  • drinking beers with his friends
  • playing video games
  • playing basketball
  • playing football
  • playing baseball
  • playing golf
  • googling pictures of Kevin Durant
  • doing anything active
  • taking a nap
  • eating pasta
  • trying to figure out why you asked him that question
  • doing push ups
  • googling sports predictions for the upcoming season
  • watching porn
  • reading Barstool Sports
  • complaining that there is no one around to make him a sandwich
  • talking to someone on the phone
  • taking a shower
  • forgetting you texted him in the first place
  • researching the illuminati on wikipedia
  • grocery shopping
  • comparing who has bigger biceps among his friends
  • googling pictures of Mila Kunis
  • making fun of someone else in his group of friends
  • watching a movie
  • trying to figure out/understand the female psyche
  • actually doing work
  • dreaming out the next meal
  • talking in a weird accent
  • masturbating
  • googling pictures of sneakers
  • driving somewhere
  • not talking about his feelings
  • working out
  • watching videos of old people falling over on YouTube
  • eating lunch
  • eating breakfast
  • eating dinner
  • eating a snack
  • watching some more porn
  • refreshing that app that tells you all those sports scores and stats
  • googling pictures of LeBron James
  • pretending to work out while they check out other girls at the gym
  • figuring out where he left his cell phone
  • on his lunch break
  • enjoying some extra curricular activities
  • or he just doesn’t feel like answering your question because he feels no immediate need to respond as it will not directly benefit him in the near future

 

Honest Acceptance Speeches

Yeah, we all know you want to thank your parents, your family, and your fans.  But really, how can you forget all the things that really make the world go round?

First and foremost, I’d like to thank:

  • Bono, for single handedly fueling sales of blue polarized sunglasses.
  • Puppies, for teaching couples that kids are really going to be a lot of work.
  • Crunchy peanut butter, for diversifying the snack game.
  • Maxi dresses, for being my entire summer wardrobe.
  • Sunglasses, for allowing me to sneakily stare at people without being noticed.
  • Snuggies, for repurposing the bathrobe by simply wearing it backwards.
  • Text messages, for allowing me to ignore phone calls because “I can’t talk right now.”
  • Tattoos, for permanently reminding me of how stupid I am.
  • Beyonce, for being “everything,” so girls all over the world “literally can’t even” to the point that they “die.”
  • Grease, for clearly indicating when I need to shower.
  •  Barbecues, for giving everyone an excuse to eat and drink outside.
  • Scarves, for catching all my crumbs so I can save them for later.
  • Glasses, for allowing my eyeballs to be puffy with a barrier.
  • Air conditioning, for keeping me sane when it’s above 74 degrees.
  • Nick Lachey, for somehow staying relevant.
  • Dancing with the Stars, for cutting Kim Kardashian in the first week.
  • American Idol, for proving that The Voice is better.
  • Katy Perry, for comparing men to aliens, all while looking like an alien herself.
  • The Skinny Arm Pose, for making girls everywhere create triangles with their bodies.
  • Instagram, for giving everyone the option to look better than they actually do.
  • Push-Button Faucets, for showing me that I take too long to wash my hands.
  • The DMV, for teaching me that I have no patience.
  • The grocery store snack aisle, for your ability to make me forget and disregard everything I initially came to buy.
  • iPhone screenshot, for allowing me to capture inside jokes in text message threads and post them on social media, even though no one else will understand what it means.
  • Status updates, for letting me know that Carl from Florida is currently on his third episode of Hoarders with no plans of stopping anytime soon.
  • Spaghetti, for demonstrating that I am not an attractive eater.
  • Selfies, for letting the world know exactly what my face looks like at all hours of the day.
  • Buns, for somewhat salvaging my bad hair day.
  • Makeup, for making me look like a human being.
  • Accents, for blessing the world with imitation material.
  • Bret Michaels, for his commitment to the bandana cause.
  • Oreos, for being milk’s favorite cookie.

… And of course, last and certainly not least, I’d like to thank Leonardo DiCaprio, for being my imaginary husband and life partner.  You’re the best, babe.  I wouldn’t be here without all your love and support.

Stay classy.