Yeah, we all know you want to thank your parents, your family, and your fans. But really, how can you forget all the things that really make the world go round?
First and foremost, I’d like to thank:
- Bono, for single handedly fueling sales of blue polarized sunglasses.
- Puppies, for teaching couples that kids are really going to be a lot of work.
- Crunchy peanut butter, for diversifying the snack game.
- Maxi dresses, for being my entire summer wardrobe.
- Sunglasses, for allowing me to sneakily stare at people without being noticed.
- Snuggies, for repurposing the bathrobe by simply wearing it backwards.
- Text messages, for allowing me to ignore phone calls because “I can’t talk right now.”
- Tattoos, for permanently reminding me of how stupid I am.
- Beyonce, for being “everything,” so girls all over the world “literally can’t even” to the point that they “die.”
- Grease, for clearly indicating when I need to shower.
- Barbecues, for giving everyone an excuse to eat and drink outside.
- Scarves, for catching all my crumbs so I can save them for later.
- Glasses, for allowing my eyeballs to be puffy with a barrier.
- Air conditioning, for keeping me sane when it’s above 74 degrees.
- Nick Lachey, for somehow staying relevant.
- Dancing with the Stars, for cutting Kim Kardashian in the first week.
- American Idol, for proving that The Voice is better.
- Katy Perry, for comparing men to aliens, all while looking like an alien herself.
- The Skinny Arm Pose, for making girls everywhere create triangles with their bodies.
- Instagram, for giving everyone the option to look better than they actually do.
- Push-Button Faucets, for showing me that I take too long to wash my hands.
- The DMV, for teaching me that I have no patience.
- The grocery store snack aisle, for your ability to make me forget and disregard everything I initially came to buy.
- iPhone screenshot, for allowing me to capture inside jokes in text message threads and post them on social media, even though no one else will understand what it means.
- Status updates, for letting me know that Carl from Florida is currently on his third episode of Hoarders with no plans of stopping anytime soon.
- Spaghetti, for demonstrating that I am not an attractive eater.
- Selfies, for letting the world know exactly what my face looks like at all hours of the day.
- Buns, for somewhat salvaging my bad hair day.
- Makeup, for making me look like a human being.
- Accents, for blessing the world with imitation material.
- Bret Michaels, for his commitment to the bandana cause.
- Oreos, for being milk’s favorite cookie.
… And of course, last and certainly not least, I’d like to thank Leonardo DiCaprio, for being my imaginary husband and life partner. You’re the best, babe. I wouldn’t be here without all your love and support.