I Got Lost In The Dating Pool

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Caution: Enter At Your Own Risk

You know, that unfathomable abyss full of unknowns, what are we’s, and should I’s?  That God awful place in life where no one really knows if you’re out to dinner because of a mutual interest or because the end result is a hopeful bang.

Yeah, welcome to the dating pool.  Put on your best swim suit, get in the water, and Marco Polo your ass over to the deep end.  You may find what you’re looking for, or you may just want to hold onto the wall for a while until you know it’s safe to start looking.

First off, you’re going to want to utilize the buddy system.  There is no substitute for an effective wingman in the dating pool .  You’ll need that guy or girl to help when you’re drowning in guilt, self-doubt, and with the all too familiar life question, “should I text him back now or in forty hours?”

Always remember to apply sunscreen, the dating pool is never in a shortage of burned bridges, scorned lovers, and hot love making; all of which need the necessary precautionary protection.

For those who are eager to jump right in to a relationship, feel free to enter at the deep end.  There are diving boards of various heights, all of which are easy identifiers for the type of relationship you’re seeking.  If you want a low maintenance, easy going relationship, try the spring board.  If you’re looking to add a lot of time, effort, and danger, you may want to jump off the high board.

Warning:  High risk does not necessarily equate a high reward at the dating pool.  He or she may just be a psycho.

All other patrons can enter at the various laddered and step intervals found throughout the vicinity.  The shallow end steps boast most of the new relationships.  These are the ones still undefined and unlabeled, the ones still just trying to figure out if this is what they want.

People in the shallow end need not worry about those that are treading water in the deep end.  While some of the swimmers look like they have it all together and their heads above water, beneath the surface may reveal a struggle and they just know how to put on a brave face.

Because in reality, they may just want to get the fuck out of the pool and onto dry land.

Those in the deep end, and maybe in the shallow end, may not be comfortable enough in their own skin, thus, they have garnered the ever so tacky floatation devices.  Ranging from large to small, these devices signify that the person they are outfitting is neither ready, nor willing to fully immerse himself in the relationship.

This person could be wearing floaties due to a failed relationship recently.  He or she could have almost drowned due to suffocation, over-exertion due to putting in too much effort, or because he or she felt they had to babysit their previous significant other and does not want to be pulled down again.

If you see someone using a kickboard or a noodle, they are drunk.  These are crutches that we use in order to make dating more fun.  You may look like a jackass, but god damnit, you’re having fun while doing it.

While in the pool area, you may encounter a bunch of people just laying out on the sides.  These are the people who are not interested in relationships.  They do not want to go into the pool.

This means your advances will be shut down, your invitations will go unanswered, and your money will be wasted on frozen treats at the snack stand with no return on your investment.

It is easy to get lost when you’re in the dating pool.  One minute you think you’re going to sit by the water and tan, the next thing you know you dove straight into the deep end with Marcos from Prague who is visiting for the summer.

I’m not going to say it won’t last, but I am saying maybe you should have taken a floatation device with you, because that shit is going to be ROUGH later on.

There are children allowed at the dating pool.  Just be advised, it is a lot of work trying to handle kids while wearing a bikini.  One wrong move and you have a rogue boob on the loose, and that never looks good on anybody.

Unfortunately, there are no lifeguards at the dating pool.  This is an enter at your own risk environment, and if you get pulled under, there’s no one to save you but yourself.

If you don’t watch this speech from Ellen Page, you’re just dumb.

By far one of the best speeches I’ve ever heard.  So completely inspirational.

Ellen Page is the shit.

I knew we would be friends when she was in Juno.  Calling a newborn child a seamonkey when they’re in the womb was brilliant, and I bet she ad libbed the whole thing.

Hey America, this is who we should be considering a role model.  Let’s start telling women to look at her.

But, I guess I’ll wake up from my nap and pick up my magazine with the cover story, “Kourtney Kardashian’s beach vacation in Cabo San Lucas! See all the juicy photos of her and Scott’s tropical getaway!”  That seems like a way more worthwhile and newsworthy topic.

Watch the video below:

SNOW DAY.

Dear Boss Lady,

I will not be making it to work today.

It’s unfortunate, because I really wanted to be there. I even went to bed extra early so I could get up rested and ready to go.  I had already picked out my outfit.  I even showered.

But the thing is, I’m worried about my safety.  I have to walk. And the thing is, when it gets really cold, my right knee does this thing where it doesn’t bend like usual, so it is just really hard to get places.  I look like a zombie in the apocalypse, and people tend to act like I’m a leper.

My left foot also has this tendency to just not move when it snows.  It’s like I’m glued to the ground.  I call it Cement Foot.  It’s pretty serious; bodybuilders have been seen trying to move me, but I am a mountain. I know, I’ve made an appointment with my doctor to get it checked out.

Sometimes, I even think my eyes intuitively know it’s not safe to look outside, so they just won’t even open.  I have no other choice but to trust my body under these circumstances.  The best option is clearly staying home, wrapped up in my blankets, in my bed: snuggled, secure, and ultimately, safe.

During this state of snow emergency, it’s also important to know that I am without the essentials.  I will be surviving for the next twenty-four hours on the most basic supply of human nourishment. I have only completely sanitary running water, a sweet potato, five frozen meals, a bag of broccoli, and a handful of Lean Cuisines.

That’s right. You heard me, I have no milk. No bottled water. No non-perishables. and I’m pretty sure I just heard a scream coming from Shaw’s; they probably have a storewide dairy and minestrone shortage.

I also have a reserve consisting of two handles of vodka, a fifth of tequila, and six bottles of wine.  I just wish I was more prepared.

Also, the zipper on my coat broke, and I’m extremely prone to catching airborne illnesses, especially ones that are particularly elusive, or non-existent. I got hypothermia one time because I looked at a frozen carrot.  So, I’m taking all the preventative measures to not only protect myself from any harmful winter sickness, but I’m also protecting the office.

Thank you so much for understanding.  I’ll make sure my timesheet is filled out properly.

No need to respond to this letter. I’m going to assume you have felt the immense pain and grave danger of my situation and only want me to be safe.  And for that, I thank you.

Please ignore this picture and all others like it.

Please ignore this picture and all others like it.

Please be advised that any pictures of me uploaded to any and all social media outlets within the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours are strictly due to an unforeseeable technological timelapse.  Those are actually from a different time it snowed.  And I don’t drink during the daytime. Or during the week.  Or ever, really.  

My best regards,

Meg

PS – If you make it into the office and want to check a few emails for me, that would be the greatest service.  If not, no problem, I guess I can do that when I get better.  ::cough, cough::

PPS – I forgot to put socks on last night before my slumber, so my toes are pretty cold.  I may be on crutches and need a few days to recover.  More on that later.