You know, that unfathomable abyss full of unknowns, what are we’s, and should I’s? That God awful place in life where no one really knows if you’re out to dinner because of a mutual interest or because the end result is a hopeful bang.
Yeah, welcome to the dating pool. Put on your best swim suit, get in the water, and Marco Polo your ass over to the deep end. You may find what you’re looking for, or you may just want to hold onto the wall for a while until you know it’s safe to start looking.
First off, you’re going to want to utilize the buddy system. There is no substitute for an effective wingman in the dating pool . You’ll need that guy or girl to help when you’re drowning in guilt, self-doubt, and with the all too familiar life question, “should I text him back now or in forty hours?”
Always remember to apply sunscreen, the dating pool is never in a shortage of burned bridges, scorned lovers, and hot love making; all of which need the necessary precautionary protection.
For those who are eager to jump right in to a relationship, feel free to enter at the deep end. There are diving boards of various heights, all of which are easy identifiers for the type of relationship you’re seeking. If you want a low maintenance, easy going relationship, try the spring board. If you’re looking to add a lot of time, effort, and danger, you may want to jump off the high board.
Warning: High risk does not necessarily equate a high reward at the dating pool. He or she may just be a psycho.
All other patrons can enter at the various laddered and step intervals found throughout the vicinity. The shallow end steps boast most of the new relationships. These are the ones still undefined and unlabeled, the ones still just trying to figure out if this is what they want.
People in the shallow end need not worry about those that are treading water in the deep end. While some of the swimmers look like they have it all together and their heads above water, beneath the surface may reveal a struggle and they just know how to put on a brave face.
Because in reality, they may just want to get the fuck out of the pool and onto dry land.
Those in the deep end, and maybe in the shallow end, may not be comfortable enough in their own skin, thus, they have garnered the ever so tacky floatation devices. Ranging from large to small, these devices signify that the person they are outfitting is neither ready, nor willing to fully immerse himself in the relationship.
This person could be wearing floaties due to a failed relationship recently. He or she could have almost drowned due to suffocation, over-exertion due to putting in too much effort, or because he or she felt they had to babysit their previous significant other and does not want to be pulled down again.
If you see someone using a kickboard or a noodle, they are drunk. These are crutches that we use in order to make dating more fun. You may look like a jackass, but god damnit, you’re having fun while doing it.
While in the pool area, you may encounter a bunch of people just laying out on the sides. These are the people who are not interested in relationships. They do not want to go into the pool.
This means your advances will be shut down, your invitations will go unanswered, and your money will be wasted on frozen treats at the snack stand with no return on your investment.
It is easy to get lost when you’re in the dating pool. One minute you think you’re going to sit by the water and tan, the next thing you know you dove straight into the deep end with Marcos from Prague who is visiting for the summer.
I’m not going to say it won’t last, but I am saying maybe you should have taken a floatation device with you, because that shit is going to be ROUGH later on.
There are children allowed at the dating pool. Just be advised, it is a lot of work trying to handle kids while wearing a bikini. One wrong move and you have a rogue boob on the loose, and that never looks good on anybody.
Unfortunately, there are no lifeguards at the dating pool. This is an enter at your own risk environment, and if you get pulled under, there’s no one to save you but yourself.