An Open Letter To Everyone At The Airport

Dear Fellow Travelers, Passengers Sharing My Aircraft, And That Asshole Trying To Stuff An Elephant In The Overhead Bin,

I hope this letter finds you well.

If it does not find you well, I am going to assume you had a shitty run through airport security, and as a result, decided to remove common sense, manners, and basic problem solving skills from your life for the next couple hours while you’re aboard the mile-high skybus, subsequently making everyone else’s life more difficult.

You know, because you are the first person to ever have a horrible time going through the process of boarding a plane.

I’ve come to accept the inevitable invasive body search ritual while my bag gets a conveyor belt CAT scan.   If I get by unscathed, I consider it good karma for the time I gave that homeless lady a coffee.

Everyone needs to accept that this is what the standard precautionary measures for security clearance are.

We’re never going to be able to bring our brita filtered water through the pearly gates of Laguardia, so after security, go to the water fountain and fill up your reusable bottle like the plebeian you are and move on.

Amen, license plate, amen.

Amen, license plate, amen.

If you line up before your boarding group is called and block the handicap lane, I hate you.  I hope the next time you’re at a restaurant they give your meal to a homeless person outside and still make you pay for it.

Travelers bringing luggage onto the plane, please assess the size and dimensions.  When you purchased this piece of luggage, if it didn’t come with a tag that read “CARRY ON” this means you probably cannot carry it on the plane without ruining someone else’s day.

If by chance, you make it through the ticket checkpoint unnoticed and roll your monstrosity of a bag onto the jet, putting it SIDEWAYS in the overhead bins will ultimately cause some other passenger, one who followed the rules and regulations of carry-on baggage, extreme anxiety when he or she is not able to fit their luggage above their seat.

Forgive me, I know your bag is important, but go fuck yourself and learn to consolidate like everyone else.

Sidenote: People who automatically place their luggage sideways in the overhead bins are most likely also the people who hog the armrests, and probably did not share toys as a child. 

Getting up immediately after the plane lands and removing your bag is fine, I guess. But if you’re pissed off about standing in line and wait for another twenty minutes to disembark you’re not being a logical human being.  Wipe the pout off your face, exercise a little patience, and wait until the line moves.

We’re all stuck here, honey.  And we all want to get off the plane.  But you’re in row 27 of 30, it’s going to take a few extra minutes.

Look, I get it, flying sucks, we all want to get off the plane and onto our destination.  Your needs and excitements are not unique, put on a smile, or at least stop frowning, and deal with it.  If you wanted to be in control of your spatial constraints, you should have driven.

Also, read SkyMall, it will totally lighten your mood.

Sincerely,

Everyone Else At The Airport, Those On Your Flight, And The Person Who Had To Check His or Her Bag Last Minute Because You Took Up Too Much Space


Your turn!! What do you hate about traveling?  Did I leave anything out?

 

It’s Thursday, and I’m Thirsty.

Thus, unfortunately – or fortunately depending on how you look at it – I don’t have anything new to contribute today, but something noteworthy did happen.  So I’m going to but on my current events cap and botch the absolute crap out of this reporting.

Bear with me.

Fred Phelps Sr., the infamous leader of the deplorable, anti-semitic establishment that is the Westboro Baptist Church passed away today; and while his death is nothing to celebrate, we can revel in the irony of it all, and realize that he was a psychotic human being with nothing else to do but to plot to ruin other peoples’ lives.

If there’s anything you can take away from this event, it is that God does not in fact, “hate fags,” and being who you are is what you were born to do.  Don’t be afraid to show your true colors.  Unless you’re naturally green and scaly, you might be part lizard, and you may want to get that checked out.

Real talk.  Regardless of race, gender, sexuality, or economic status, we are all on this planet together and deserve to be on this planet together.  No one human is above any other, and you are all perfect the way you are.

Rant over, enjoy your Thursday, and drink a beer for me.

Oh, sorry.  Quick question.  When is the rapture, though?

Click the link for more information.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/obituaries/fred-phelps-sr-leader-of-westboro-baptist-church-dies-at-84/2014/03/20/a0c5cd30-ae2b-11e3-a49e-76adc9210f19_story.html