An Open Letter To Everyone At The Airport

Dear Fellow Travelers, Passengers Sharing My Aircraft, And That Asshole Trying To Stuff An Elephant In The Overhead Bin,

I hope this letter finds you well.

If it does not find you well, I am going to assume you had a shitty run through airport security, and as a result, decided to remove common sense, manners, and basic problem solving skills from your life for the next couple hours while you’re aboard the mile-high skybus, subsequently making everyone else’s life more difficult.

You know, because you are the first person to ever have a horrible time going through the process of boarding a plane.

I’ve come to accept the inevitable invasive body search ritual while my bag gets a conveyor belt CAT scan.   If I get by unscathed, I consider it good karma for the time I gave that homeless lady a coffee.

Everyone needs to accept that this is what the standard precautionary measures for security clearance are.

We’re never going to be able to bring our brita filtered water through the pearly gates of Laguardia, so after security, go to the water fountain and fill up your reusable bottle like the plebeian you are and move on.

Amen, license plate, amen.

Amen, license plate, amen.

If you line up before your boarding group is called and block the handicap lane, I hate you.  I hope the next time you’re at a restaurant they give your meal to a homeless person outside and still make you pay for it.

Travelers bringing luggage onto the plane, please assess the size and dimensions.  When you purchased this piece of luggage, if it didn’t come with a tag that read “CARRY ON” this means you probably cannot carry it on the plane without ruining someone else’s day.

If by chance, you make it through the ticket checkpoint unnoticed and roll your monstrosity of a bag onto the jet, putting it SIDEWAYS in the overhead bins will ultimately cause some other passenger, one who followed the rules and regulations of carry-on baggage, extreme anxiety when he or she is not able to fit their luggage above their seat.

Forgive me, I know your bag is important, but go fuck yourself and learn to consolidate like everyone else.

Sidenote: People who automatically place their luggage sideways in the overhead bins are most likely also the people who hog the armrests, and probably did not share toys as a child. 

Getting up immediately after the plane lands and removing your bag is fine, I guess. But if you’re pissed off about standing in line and wait for another twenty minutes to disembark you’re not being a logical human being.  Wipe the pout off your face, exercise a little patience, and wait until the line moves.

We’re all stuck here, honey.  And we all want to get off the plane.  But you’re in row 27 of 30, it’s going to take a few extra minutes.

Look, I get it, flying sucks, we all want to get off the plane and onto our destination.  Your needs and excitements are not unique, put on a smile, or at least stop frowning, and deal with it.  If you wanted to be in control of your spatial constraints, you should have driven.

Also, read SkyMall, it will totally lighten your mood.


Everyone Else At The Airport, Those On Your Flight, And The Person Who Had To Check His or Her Bag Last Minute Because You Took Up Too Much Space

Your turn!! What do you hate about traveling?  Did I leave anything out?


40 thoughts on “An Open Letter To Everyone At The Airport

  1. You’ve summarized all of my travelling hates into one single post! nice! my biggest pet peeve next to people hogging space in the storage bunk though is the vent nozzles, I often end up with some moron who will not aim it right and down it comes on me grrr!

      1. Exactly! Yet I’ll have a dozen customers at my bar spilling their airport woes like it’s the first time I’ve ever heard such a thing.

  2. Ha, must be travel season as I just wrote about my hate for flying last week! you nailed it. I would have to say my biggest pet peeve is being that close to other humans for the entire process. I really don’t need to breathe your onion breath sir. pop a tic tac will ya?

  3. Also, I will cheerfully shank the next b*** who puts their jacket in the overhead bin on a nonstop flight from Chicago to the West Coast anywhere. NO. JUST NO.

  4. This is great because it is so accurate. Found myself nodding along at all of it. And that is a perfect license plate image to go with your post. Hilarious. And, I’m all for the personal bubble PSA.

  5. So freaking TRUE! The last flight I took, the guy actually started taking out bags people already had put into the overhead bin, moving them into OTHER bins to fit his canvas bag full o’ rocks and awkwardly shaped boxes.


  6. I love sky mall magazine. I am grateful for not being able to have access to buy every useless item that thing advertises.

  7. You nailed this and I like your style. This was an utterly satisfying read.
    “We’re never going to be able to bring our brita filtered water through the pearly gates of Laguardia, so after security, go to the water fountain and fill up your reusable bottle like the plebeian you are and move on.” Bwahaha!

    1. Thank you for stopping by and being able to relate! I think the airport is one of the most frustrating places on the planet. It’s nice to know people feel the same pain!

  8. YEsssss. I loved every word of this. Also, you forgot about the people who decide to buy some disgustingly aromatic food seconds before boarding, and then proceed to eat it as the plane takes off, and everyone else holds their noses and tried not to throw up.

Talk is cheap, but I'm on a budget anyway...

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