I went out with my roommates last night and drank too much wine. Story of my life.
Earlier this morning, I watched this video to help cure my hangover and take my mind off the fact that I have to sit in a rolly chair for the next eight hours and stare at my computer screen.
And then I realized… I’m so jealous of dogs.
Forget girls with nice hair, girls who can plow through three bacon cheeseburgers and not gain a pound, girls who have their dream job before age twenty-five, girls (and boys) with independently wealthy families that get to exclusively shop at Whole Foods. Forget all of them.
I want to be a dog.
Aside from the fact that they get to know one another by smelling butts, being a dog is pretty awesome. I guess I could also do without the whole eating bark flavored kibble bits, too. But we’ll save my grievances for the time I actually turn into a dog, which is hopefully my next life. My previous life I was a cat and I was just angry all the time, so I pray I’ve gathered enough good karma in my human life to be worthy of a canine in my next one.
First of all, I’d never have to wear clothes. It would completely eliminate the whole waking up every morning and try on seven outfits thing and still manage to walk out the door with one shoe. Nope. None of that would be an issue. Because I could roll out of bed and magically have a sweater on when it’s cold, or a furry bathing suit on when it’s hot. Just being happy in the skin suit God gave me ready to take on the world.
If I was a dog, no one would ever care if I was fat. Sure, I’ve set off a few alarms by feeding my pup too many pork chops or lamb shanks, but it’s because she deserves it. And as a dog, I would deserve it, too. Being loyal is a tough job, and it’s one that requires compensation in the form of delicious food you’re not allowed to eat, ever. No one ever complains about dogs being too fat, there’s just more to love, that’s all. Big is beautiful in Canine Country, and I have a one way ticket to Fat Island.
I’ve told a number of people this, but for my last ten minutes of life, I want someone with a good set of fingernails and a strong wrist to stroke my arm and give me a head rub. Maybe a bloody mary, but that can be negotiated. Pup life is full of these sorts of activities. People practically slap box each other to get a chance to pet a puppy. I WANT SOMEONE TO PET ME, DAMNIT. Head rubs and belly scratches will have me in a constant state of bliss, which last time I checked, no one complains about bliss.
A good wingwoman is hard to find. Not with a dog. If you want to attract someone, there is no better way than bringing along your four-legged friend. I don’t know what it is about humans, I think we have leg envy and are just innately jealous that we can go through life on all fours. There is no better conversation topic than asking what breed the dog is (I would obviously be a Saint Bernard and run shit) then following up by asking the age. What started off as an innocent walk through the park ends with you walking down the aisle and Meg the Saint Bernard is your ring bearer. You’re welcome.
Lastly, I want a bomb ass name. Dogs are always given the most extreme names that humans could never live up to. I want to saunter through life as Ulysses the Great Dane, or Chianti the cultured Sheppard. Instead I’m stuck here living life as a boring old human with the most basic one syllable name on the planet. Meg sucks. Ulysses RULES.
I just want to tan on my driveway during all seasons and soak up warmth. I just want to be a dog.
Half and Half 
You so need to read, The Art of Racing in the Rain if you haven’t. The narrator is a dog and it is hysterical.
I’ve read it, it’s amazing! Got it for Christmas a year ago 🙂
Loved that book! I may have shed some man tears.. yeah they are different to lady tears honest guv.
Nice article Meglysses!
That name is fitting, I think I will keep it.
This is one of the most random yet entertaining posts of yours I have read lol…borderline fetish perhaps? you know craigslist is good for stuff like that 😉 Someone give this girl a damn good petting will ya?
SERIOUSLY. Thank you 🙂
How’d you get something good out of craigslist? Was it a hundred years ago? Are you in possession of a fluke gorgeous picture of your long-ago years done up to look like modern camerawork or something?
YES TO EVERYTHING!!! Oh and congrats on winning #GlitteredByEricka! 🙂 http://on.fb.me/1jF9ev4
OH, SO HONORED! 🙂
Reblogged this on Ericka Clay and commented:
Congrats to Meg Lago for winning this week’s #GlitteredByEricka contest with this post because dogs are awesome and so are you!
If you’d like to be as awesome as Meg (and me…duh) then join the fun every Friday in the EC Readers FB group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/ECReaders/
Your words are too kind! And if I’m not mistaken (which I am a lot) you look like you might have a little bit of Australian Shepherd in you. That’s the best kind of shepherd, since they like shrimp on the barbies.
I am pretty sure this was the most creative and fun way to ask for a rub down I have seen yet. Sending happy thoughts of heavy petting your way 🙂 Although I must admit I have pondered what life would be like as a Border Collie named Rocket…
I love a good scratch, and Border Collies are the shit! Thanks for stopping by 🙂
I think you have read my mind.
🙂 I try my best to channel clairvoyance at all times.
It appears to be working haha!
Lol, randomly came across your blog Meg, loved it! My pampered pooch is called Angel. Her name is a total misnomer. Kibbles are mere nibbles whilst the main course is freshly cooked. She barks, I jump…it is indeed a dog’s life:)
Thanks for reading! It is insane how much control my dog has over my life, she pretty much owns me.
Ah but would you have it any other way? Bless them they certainly leave their paw prints on our hearts!
I’m finding this very hard to write as I am sitting on the sofa with two dogs lying on me. Definitely a good idea to come back as a dog in this house
Amen, my dog takes up more room on my couch than I do. May need to invest in another one just for her.
This is awesome! I have a cat, and I envy that little bastard- he sleeps all day, gets fed well, given the filtered, Brita water, and just lives a life of ease.
Brita water! You’ve outdone yourself. My dog gets tap.
Oh, and he gets the grain-free, all natural cat food that I can only find at certain pet boutiques. My kitty is spoiled, yes, and he eats better than I do haha!
Just brilliant. I cant tell you how many times i have had similar chats. We need to be roommates 😀
I’ll bring the wine!
pouring myself a glass as we speak, hurry up! 😀
Love it!
🙂 thank you!
I feel that most people who have the love of a dog do not deserve it! Dogs are such loyal best friends, they deserve wayyy more credit than most of them get!….unless they’re in my house, then they pretty much dictate day to day life haha.
Totally agree, it should not be taken for granted!
The opportunity to hump the legs of complete strangers while your human companion looks on in complete and utter mortification is an upside.
Did not even cross my mind, but YES!
LOL!
Hi Meg! I am a huge fan of your work! I have read everything you posted (and somethings you haven’t i.e. your diary) Keep up the good work! Also if you became a St brenard, would your name still be Meg, or would it be more canine?
You may think it’d be great, but I’m thinking “she’ll have fleas, worms and have to potty outside.” And you know what happens to dogs who do their business indoors.
It would be the best to make people feel guilty for not feeding me leftover pizza crusts.
And steak tips…
And the no guilt for getting fat would be pretty awesome.
I know! They really do live a better life 🙂
This is great, becoming dog = happiness for life
Just gimme a head rub, and I’m set.
This is a great post! I want to be a dog of a loving family.
Kimberly
http://amomspointofview.com
Reblogged this on Nobody says BLOG anymore. and commented:
*prays to be dog in next life*
The ONLY problem I see with a dog’s life is using your tongue for toilet paper. I’ll sniff a few butts no problem, but butt-licking is a solid NO for me. 🙂
Ugh, I know. That would NOT be fun.
hahaha this is hillarious
thanks for reading!
Hahaha…you can be my bitch!
#nailedit
I been called b****so many times I feel like one…thank God im not
This is amazing. Keep posting dude !
Thanks!
Interesting, nice reading your blog
thank you!
hey, I’m Leonard, a writer from Nigeria. Love enthusiastic writers as well..Really enjoyed the first piece I read from you. Hope to get more soon
Thanks so much, I appreciate it!
You are welcome
There is a television show on Nick: called the dog with a blog. Are you that celebrity? I am sure you would make a delightful dog as you are a delightful person with a warm nose and a warm blog.
I didn’t know that was a show! I’ll have to check it out, maybe I’m on to something.
Your blog was cute and amusing. You are definitely on to something.
Reblogged this on Life of Loww and commented:
Haha! This had me laughing so hard; mostly because it’s true. I want to be a doc too!
Right now I live vicariously through my for-legged best friend queen but if you find the dog-man please pass on the news; I want in on the doggy bliss too! 🙂
Yes, my pup is the best 🙂
Ha ha
I know! Dogs have the best life ever. My dog sleeps the entire day, wakes up for food nudges my knee for a Good petting and then off to sleep. Damn it they don’t even have to take a bath, even that is done by us. And not to mention the attention they get while walking.
That’s what I’m saying, I stop and pet every dog that walks by me. It’s a problem.
Every morning when I leave for work, I give my cats and dog the stink eye for their cushy life. Oh well, I love them anyway (as I head out the door to earn money to support their life of luxury….).
I’m sure they miss you!
Loved reading this. Buddy and Ginger (8 of the 10 legs) definitely get their way and have a good life. If you were a dog though,myou might have to wear clothes; have you seen the line up of pet fashion in all the et stores?
Oh, not yet! I haven’t really crossed over to the canine fashion world yet. Maybe in a few years.
Love it. So random and entertaining.
thank you!
Unique, random, and entertaining. Thank you for sharing. Loved it!
thanks for reading!
Wait ~ I always thought that when I got to realize my aspiration to dogdome, smelling butts was gonna be one of the perks!…
Um… you… wear… clothes?…
Maybe I’m doing it wrong, but ~ I’ve never had a problem finding a way to complain about bliss… Why, that would be downright UNAMERICAN OF ME!!!
But then, a young person even kinder than most did me the favor recently of personally notifying me that I’d, all unsuspecting, already MADE THE GRADE as a canine!
I mean, he didn’t use that EXACT word, but (especially considering the precious mite recognized me as female without even asking!) ~ well, practically just the same as!…
Just goes to show that when you’re concentrating on worthier activities like, well… um, worthier activities, it’s a sure thing that all your dreams are being bypassed by you blindly due to straight up fatigue and having forotten the terrycloth headband that keeps your sweating terror from running into your eyes…
I know now what they mean when they say “I feel fulfilled in a strange and wonderful way…”
Ahhhhhh. … ………
The down side of being a dog is that you have an owner. The upside of being a cat is that you have staff.
Cats rule the world. We’re just living in it.
I agree cats have staff!
From now on I shall only refer to you as Ulysses 🙂
Yes! Finally, a strong name!
This rings ridiculously true for me.
It’s almost scary how much I actually want to be a dog.
You too? ‘Course, I find most things that ring true for me are pretty rediculous, so that may be where it’s coming from. That and the fact that I can’t quite get my hind claw ’round to scratch whatever that is on the back of my head… (Can you?)…
This was a very entertaining read. I loved it!
thanks 🙂
If you’re in to writing songs, some of the lines from this post would make for a great spoof of Beyonce’s “If I were a boy” 😉 *sings “If I were a doooog….”
That would be a great next step! Dog celebrities….
big lion is not dog
This is great stuff! 🙂
thank you!
So if your prayer gets answered, what name will you choose ? Montmorency ? 🙂 .. Congratulations on writing this awesome post.
Thanks,
http://idlesunday.wordpress.com/
Definitely something strong and noble, like Trident.
Then please don’t be a Fox Terrier, else Jerome K. Jerome will turn in his grave 🙂
Thanks,
http://idlesunday.wordpress.com/
Reblogged this on idealistrant.
Lol you are drunk :))
I wish. Completely sober thoughts. Drunk thoughts would be WAY more unfiltered.
Oooh. Some memories rising around the outrageously true veracity of your fortunately-more-sober-than-this-response erudition of commentative contribution, there… Oh, dear… It’s happening again, isn’t it? And b’ ~ b’fore noon, tooooo… ‘Snot easy bean an author, izit?