FEATURING: This Asshole On His Cell Phone

What is up with people talking on their cellphones on public transportation?

Yes, I see you’re wearing a suit today, Mr. Chats-A-Lot. I know this makes you seem very important.  I am sure you have a lot of meetings on your calendar, and a bunch of tasks your need to cross off your “To-Do List.”

You know what else is important?  My sanity. My ears. My morning commute I planned to have in solitude.

But you, Mr. Cellphone Chats McGee, seem to think that everyone in the world around you wants to hear about the latest conflict with your interior designer, how your dishwasher detergent just doesn’t clean everything that well, or that your job is “ruining your social life.”

Oh, poor you.

You know who else has fallen victim to their jobs? EVERYONE ON THIS TRAIN.  You know how many times I have to rerun my dishwasher everyday? THREE, AND IT SUCKS.  You know what I think about my interior designer? I DON’T HAVE ONE BECAUSE I’M POOR.

But you have a suit.  You have the power to do whatever you want, to disregard the civilians on the same train, bus, or subway.  You, my friend, are the most important person in the room.

So please, go on, you have the floor.  We can all accommodate you and text about our problems like the polite, normal human beings we are at 7am.

By the way, your pants look stupid and your shoes are ugly. I kind of hate you.

And I want to talk to my mom on the phone about it.  But I can’t because I don’t want to be you.  So I’m going to text her and passive aggressively shoot death glares in your direction and hope you can feel my mean gaze on the back of your head.