I Need To Talk To The Person In Charge Of Changing Humans Into Dogs

I went out with my roommates last night and drank too much wine.  Story of my life.

Earlier this morning, I watched this video to help cure my hangover and take my mind off the fact that I have to sit in a rolly chair for the next eight hours and stare at my computer screen.

And then I realized… I’m so jealous of dogs.

Forget girls with nice hair, girls who can plow through three bacon cheeseburgers and not gain a pound, girls who have their dream job before age twenty-five, girls (and boys) with independently wealthy families that get to exclusively shop at Whole Foods. Forget all of them.

I want to be a dog.

Aside from the fact that they get to know one another by smelling butts, being a dog is pretty awesome.  I guess I could also do without the whole eating bark flavored kibble bits, too.  But we’ll save my grievances for the time I actually turn into a dog, which is hopefully my next life.  My previous life I was a cat and I was just angry all the time, so I pray I’ve gathered enough good karma in my human life to be worthy of a canine in my next one.

First of all, I’d never have to wear clothes.  It would completely eliminate the whole waking up every morning and try on seven outfits thing and still manage to walk out the door with one shoe.  Nope. None of that would be an issue.  Because I could roll out of bed and magically have a sweater on when it’s cold, or a furry bathing suit on when it’s hot.  Just being happy in the skin suit God gave me ready to take on the world.

If I was a dog, no one would ever care if I was fat.  Sure, I’ve set off a few alarms by feeding my pup too many pork chops or lamb shanks, but it’s because she deserves it.  And as a dog, I would deserve it, too.  Being loyal is a tough job, and it’s one that requires compensation in the form of delicious food you’re not allowed to eat, ever. No one ever complains about dogs being too fat, there’s just more to love, that’s all. Big is beautiful in Canine Country, and I have a one way ticket to Fat Island.

I’ve told a number of people this, but for my last ten minutes of life, I want someone with a good set of fingernails and a strong wrist to stroke my arm and give me a head rub.  Maybe a bloody mary, but that can be negotiated.  Pup life is full of these sorts of activities.  People practically slap box each other to get a chance to pet a puppy. I WANT SOMEONE TO PET ME, DAMNIT.  Head rubs and belly scratches will have me in a constant state of bliss, which last time I checked, no one complains about bliss.

A good wingwoman is hard to find.  Not with a dog.  If you want to attract someone, there is no better way than bringing along your four-legged friend.  I don’t know what it is about humans, I think we have leg envy and are just innately jealous that we can go through life on all fours.  There is no better conversation topic than asking what breed the dog is (I would obviously be a Saint Bernard and run shit) then following up by asking the age.  What started off as an innocent walk through the park ends with you walking down the aisle and Meg the Saint Bernard is your ring bearer.  You’re welcome.

Lastly, I want a bomb ass name.  Dogs are always given the most extreme names that humans could never live up to.  I want to saunter through life as Ulysses the Great Dane, or Chianti the cultured Sheppard. Instead I’m stuck here living life as a boring old human with the most basic one syllable name on the planet. Meg sucks. Ulysses RULES.

I just want to tan on my driveway during all seasons and soak up warmth.  I just want to be a dog.

200 thoughts on “I Need To Talk To The Person In Charge Of Changing Humans Into Dogs”

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  6. I absolutely loved reading your blog. I am a huge fan of dogs and I totally agree, dogs have the best, simple life. I cannot count the amount of times I’ve changed my outfit in a span of 15 minutes.
    Sending happy thoughts of heavy petting your way 🙂

    Reply

  7. I got my first dog in November after years of being sure I was more of a cat person. He’s a patterdale terrier named Freddie and I’ve fallen in love with him. Dogs seem to have so much more personality than other animals, whilst also having the perks of lazing around, chewing your prized possessions and yet remaining completely adorable.

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  9. this put a smile on my face that cant be replaced. I envy my dog’s life. He is pampered and loves every minute of it. his name fits his life too.. Hunky Dory…everything is always hunky dory when your a dog

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  11. Love it!! My husband once told me that in his next life he doesn’t want to be just any dog, he wants to be one of my dogs. LOL! Hopefully, he was kidding and lives a long life! I have Jackson, the Great Dane, and Rocky, the yellow Lab/ Brittany mix. They are my children. Its true, and I just love them. I have thought before too, that it would be a good life to be a dog, well, my dog anyway. 🙂

    Reply

  13. What a fantastic post. Personally I would love to be a Bearded Collie, like my
    boy. What more could a dog ask for – lay on floor for an hour getting groomed, to turn around 10 minutes later rolling on the lawn for a damn good scratch ! Getting to run through the water, and then being able to shake dry! Yes I agree, I want to be a dog!

    Reply

  16. Hilarious! Although since my dog was a farm dog and ate cow poop on the regular… I will pass on being a dog. lol 🙂 Now to be an indoor dog… the jury is still out. 🙂

    Reply
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  20. If I could be Bob (my Basset Hound – a rescue), I would never have to search for peace & happiness – because I would be peace & happiness.

    To poorly re-quote:

    “I aspire to be the person that my dog believes that I am”.

    Reply

  23. I once had eight dogs….the life of a dog in a good home is great for both parties. Dogs are the best. Love your post 😉

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  26. I don’t want to upset you, but there isn’t actually a Person In Charge Of Changing Humans Into Dogs. It’s Ralph, the West Highland Terrier, he’s in charge but you need to book appointments through Tarka the Otter. email tarka @ change dog com

    Reply

  27. Fantastic Blog Loved It! On the whole it does sound like a good idea to be transformed into a dog, but it’s all that sniffing other dogs and eating 10 week old half eaten kebabs in the park that puts me off, lol 🙂

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  30. I always thought I’d like to come back as a cat in my next life but your post has definately made me change my mind! Haha, thanks for the great read, looking forward to reading more 🙂

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  32. Me too. I want to be a golden retriever named Rooster, who lives on a farm, roams and comes when he hears his food bowl rattled. I want to sleep in the pastures and drink from the creek. And then lay down in it.

    Thanks for such a funny, bright, inspiring read.

    Reply

  33. Eating and sleeping and just being cute no matter what… girl, you have the right idea!! Might ask my dog how he feels about trading places tonight when I get home from work! Great piece, made my 8 hours on a wheelie chair much happier!

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  36. Lots of good humour…like it! With the way I treat my dogs, it might be something to consider my next life around.

    Reply

  44. Not a bad choice if I could be mine. The most pampered of sharpeis. But if I couldn’t choose one, please don’t let me be as blind (or dumb) as the one on the video… Well, actually, mine is not better than that! Lol, it is a must see the way he turns corners.

    Reply

  45. Ah! Another thing: names.
    Could You imagine any person named “Apolo”, for example. If he was pretty, You will think ‘What a pedantic or conceited he is’; If he was ugly… Poor disgraced!
    In case of a dog. If he was pretty,… Listen: a dog is ALWAYS pretty! Lol

    Reply

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