Survival of the Fittest.. Or In My Case, Surviving.

They say no man is an island, but what if you were stranded on one?

I went camping this past summer for four days with one of my best friends.  It was my first time being out in the elements, so I didn’t really know what to expect when weather that wasn’t sunny and 72 degrees happened.

Needless to say, I was an emotional wreck and did not handle sleeping in a tent in the rain very well.

We’ve all played the “What Would You Take To A Deserted Island” game.  But after my experience with weather, tents, and bugs, I’ve decided there are more than a few essentials to surviving if I was ever to really be totally stranded.

castaway

so rude.

 

Here are the five things I would ABSOLUTELY bring on my island with me:

1.  A house

You best believe after sleeping in a tent for four days, I will do everything in my power to avoid being exposed.  I’m bringing a goddamn house to my island.  Four walls, a roof, and a bed with a real mattress will make my stay extra cushy.  It’s my island, and I’ll do what I want!

2.  A boyfriend

Either my real boyfriend, or if he won’t agree to it, Charlie Hunnam will do.  Because I need someone to hang out with me and also want to protect me from all the wild animals that will be roaming the lands.  Plus, he won’t ever have an excuse to flake on plans, cause I’ll be the only one he can spend time with (MUAHAHAHAHA).  Just kidding, really, misery just loves company, and two people on an island is better than me alone with my thoughts… that would be scary.

3.  Wine and snacks.

Becuase… nourishment.

4.  Electricity

What is the point of having a house without electricity to power it up?  I’m talking total comfort here.  I want lights, television, and running water.  I’ll bring Thomas Edison back from the dead if I have to, as long as I can see where I’m going when the sun goes down.

5.  Mary Poppins’ Tote Bag

If you were asking yourself after items #1-4 how I was planning on getting all these things to my island, this is the answer.  Shit get’s real small up in Mary P’s bag, and I am going to need to borrow/steal/keep it forever in order to caravan an entire home, a full-grown man, an electricity system, and a lifetime supply of wine onto my desolate vacation.

Honorable Mention: Wilson from Castaway

Just seems like an all around great dude.  And when I’m inevitably fighting with my boyfriend for paying more attention to the wild animals than me, I’ll need someone who won’t sass me back to converse with in confidence.


What would you take with you on a deserted island?

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You Should Know This For The Apocalypse.

This-Is-The-End-All-2-500 My mom was really into that show Revolution when it first aired. For those who don’t know, it’s a post-apocalyptic television show that focuses on a town living life fifteen years after a global blackout.  All the sci-fi mumbo jumbo and dramatic elements are present. Alliances are formed.  Enemies are made.  Friendships are tested.  But above all, survival is essential.

The show premiered at a very convenient time in 2012.  I was living in Connecticut, and we had just survived a nine-day electricity blackout thanks to that biatch, Hurricane Sandy. Having endured more than a week without power, I pretty much adopted a Katniss Everdeen alter ego.

I fully believed I could engage and win in a survival of the fittest game if it ever came to it.

Going over a week without a shower and blindly navigating my way from the kitchen to my bedroom after my midnight snack made me the toughest human being on the planet. My experiences helped me understand what it was like to struggle in an apocalyptic situation, and I wanted to compare my survival notes during Sandy with the characters on Revolution.

I was sitting on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, holding a goblet full of wine when I realized I was sorely mistaken in my assumptions about blackout survival tactics. Imagining I was involved, I had to think about all the great attributes and skills I have that would benefit me in certain situations.

I made a mental list in my head of all my strengths: I’m a good leader.  I can help people.  I’m athletic. But, the crippling reality of a non-electrical world harrowed on my soul to the point where I knew I had to make a blanket statement to the world about hanging out with me during an apocalypse.

I wanted to give everyone all the information before this actually happens. I know how it goes.  The world blacks out and everyone immediately starts picking teams.

My intellectual prowess coupled with the fact that I won Best Athlete in the 8th grade superlatives makes me an obvious choice for your survival team.  But I have to be selfless and realize that even the strongest people in the world have weaknesses that can’t be ignored.

Here are a list of reasons you wouldn’t want me in your survival group in the event of an apocalypse. 

1. I’m essentially blind. I have a contact prescription that is one point away from granting me a handicap sticker.  All you’d have to do is take away my glasses and tell me to head in the direction of a cliff or some quicksand and I’m gone.

2. I need at least 8 hours of sleep. I get really cranky if I’m not properly rested.  I also need white noise in order to drift off into dreamland.  I realize this is an issue because night seems like the optimal time to stage an attack, and I like to have lights out by 9pm.

3. I have a pretty strict diet. And by strict, I mean I eat like four things. Chicken, bacon, bread, and eggs.  I may dabble in a salad here and there, but only if there’s ranch dressing.

4. I can’t swim very well. If there is any sort of water obstacle that needs to be overcome, don’t even think about it.  I’m as good a swimmer as a cinderblock.

5. I’m not a good multi-tasker. I can’t even make toast without something sparking or blowing up.  Don’t even get me started on the disaster that would ensue if I had to run through a uncleared forest while simultaneously looking forward and backwards to thwart off attackers.

6. I have an atrocious sense of direction. North is always straight ahead.

7. I think I’m always right. Which I am. Obviously.

8. I’m not what some would call, in shape.  My stamina is not up to par, so running for long periods of time isn’t generally a good idea.

9. People don’t describe me as swift, cunning, or stealth. I don’t know how to whisper, my voice doesn’t do that.  Deaf people can hear me trying to sneak up behind them.

10. I’m not good at waiting.  There’s no way in hell I’m staying for more than a day in one place. I’m not even good at waiting for a song to finish on my iPod before I change it.

All my faults aside, I’m still going to try and tag along even if you don’t want me.  I’m sure there’s someone weaker we can cut out first, right?