You Should Know This For The Apocalypse.

This-Is-The-End-All-2-500 My mom was really into that show Revolution when it first aired. For those who don’t know, it’s a post-apocalyptic television show that focuses on a town living life fifteen years after a global blackout.  All the sci-fi mumbo jumbo and dramatic elements are present. Alliances are formed.  Enemies are made.  Friendships are tested.  But above all, survival is essential.

The show premiered at a very convenient time in 2012.  I was living in Connecticut, and we had just survived a nine-day electricity blackout thanks to that biatch, Hurricane Sandy. Having endured more than a week without power, I pretty much adopted a Katniss Everdeen alter ego.

I fully believed I could engage and win in a survival of the fittest game if it ever came to it.

Going over a week without a shower and blindly navigating my way from the kitchen to my bedroom after my midnight snack made me the toughest human being on the planet. My experiences helped me understand what it was like to struggle in an apocalyptic situation, and I wanted to compare my survival notes during Sandy with the characters on Revolution.

I was sitting on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, holding a goblet full of wine when I realized I was sorely mistaken in my assumptions about blackout survival tactics. Imagining I was involved, I had to think about all the great attributes and skills I have that would benefit me in certain situations.

I made a mental list in my head of all my strengths: I’m a good leader.  I can help people.  I’m athletic. But, the crippling reality of a non-electrical world harrowed on my soul to the point where I knew I had to make a blanket statement to the world about hanging out with me during an apocalypse.

I wanted to give everyone all the information before this actually happens. I know how it goes.  The world blacks out and everyone immediately starts picking teams.

My intellectual prowess coupled with the fact that I won Best Athlete in the 8th grade superlatives makes me an obvious choice for your survival team.  But I have to be selfless and realize that even the strongest people in the world have weaknesses that can’t be ignored.

Here are a list of reasons you wouldn’t want me in your survival group in the event of an apocalypse. 

1. I’m essentially blind. I have a contact prescription that is one point away from granting me a handicap sticker.  All you’d have to do is take away my glasses and tell me to head in the direction of a cliff or some quicksand and I’m gone.

2. I need at least 8 hours of sleep. I get really cranky if I’m not properly rested.  I also need white noise in order to drift off into dreamland.  I realize this is an issue because night seems like the optimal time to stage an attack, and I like to have lights out by 9pm.

3. I have a pretty strict diet. And by strict, I mean I eat like four things. Chicken, bacon, bread, and eggs.  I may dabble in a salad here and there, but only if there’s ranch dressing.

4. I can’t swim very well. If there is any sort of water obstacle that needs to be overcome, don’t even think about it.  I’m as good a swimmer as a cinderblock.

5. I’m not a good multi-tasker. I can’t even make toast without something sparking or blowing up.  Don’t even get me started on the disaster that would ensue if I had to run through a uncleared forest while simultaneously looking forward and backwards to thwart off attackers.

6. I have an atrocious sense of direction. North is always straight ahead.

7. I think I’m always right. Which I am. Obviously.

8. I’m not what some would call, in shape.  My stamina is not up to par, so running for long periods of time isn’t generally a good idea.

9. People don’t describe me as swift, cunning, or stealth. I don’t know how to whisper, my voice doesn’t do that.  Deaf people can hear me trying to sneak up behind them.

10. I’m not good at waiting.  There’s no way in hell I’m staying for more than a day in one place. I’m not even good at waiting for a song to finish on my iPod before I change it.

All my faults aside, I’m still going to try and tag along even if you don’t want me.  I’m sure there’s someone weaker we can cut out first, right?  

128 thoughts on “You Should Know This For The Apocalypse.

  1. Great post, the show revolution has only just started here in Australia and it has already sucked me in and made me thought how id go in an apocalypse of some sort. And I have to admit I probably wouldn’t live very long!

  2. You are like the guy from Revolution who worked for Google before the blackout, and I thinka lot of us would be majorly handicapped in a world without electricity. But look at the Google dude from Revolution, he’s doing pretty well at adapting isn’t he? 🙂

  3. I too would not survive any form of apocalypse for long. I also suffer from very poor eyesight, and I already have one of the “specially anointed” parking plaques to hang from my rear view mirror. I am seriously physically handicapped due to illness and other than acting as bait, do not bring much to the table. However, I am a crack rifle and pistol shot, I am also a decent mechanic, and know how to butcher nearly any critter. So maybe someone will pick me for their team.

    1. I feel like the more bait…umm..ppl on my team the better. ; o) we’d built ya something special with big wheels and mount guns to it! If you could butcher it I can cook it. Lol. My team mates would have to get used to my bitching about running low on coffee/having to chew on the end of a stocking filled with coffee grounds and being out of ciggs occasionally but I would apologize eventually.

  4. Nice post. Let’s see. I’ll make a list too. 1- I do have some survival training but not quite enough to be a super badass. 2- Could probably equip the whole national guard but I’ll only treat you if you’re a good friend 3- I’m pretty paranoid, so if someone knocks on the door after the apocolypse I won’t answer and there’ll be several tripwires and other traps set up probably. Sorry lol. 4- I like traps. Lol. 5- I’m better at farming than most people. So food will be slightly more optimistic than just stealing from other people. 6- Don’t expect me to go around saving everyone and risking my life. I’m too cautious. 7- I’d be happy at the lack of gadgets in the world after the apocalype, cause then we would actually talk to each other and everything would be a lot more “real.” Not sure if there would be many other good things but at least that would be true….

  5. This is quite comical! I laughed quite a bit on this. I like how it goes down the line then makes fun of each rule to survive. also I like This is The End a lot as a movie.

  6. Reblogged this on poohloversunite and commented:
    I can see without my glasses, I can go with about 6 hours of sleep, I’ll eat anything as LONG AS YOU’RE POSITIVE IT WON’T KILL ME, i can’t swim very well either, i’m fine at multi-tasking, my sense of direction is TEEEERRRRIIIIBLE, and psh yeah, I’m ALWAYS right (kidding…), i’m not really either (i’m not fat or chubby or anything…i’m actually skinny. just not in shape), i can sneak up on people, i just can’t whisper very well, and i’m AWFUL at waiting.
    In other words, we’d both die!

  7. In Maine, we have mini- apocalypses several time each winter. I now know I will survive without flushing the toilet each time I pee. That you can live off canned soup for quite awhile (just make sure you know where the can opener is). That a woodstove is absolutely essential during a blackout. Propane grills make wonderful kitchen stoves. A snowbank is the ideal refrigerator and a shower is readily available at the nearest trucker stop (bring your own towel and flip-flops though). Yeh…the apocalypse…bring it on.

  8. Oh mate – That was so funny – I’ve been interested in prepping for a while now. This is the first time I’ve come across someone who can take the whole thing with a pinch of salt “I don’t know how to whisper” LMAO. Thanks for this post.

  9. I read this at work -a sneak break- and laughed so much my colleague figured out what I was doing. 😛 Absolutely Hilarious!!
    The I can’t multitask bit? I felt like jumping and pointing “That’s me!!”
    And I’m virtually blind too… can’t swim to save my life and the list goes on. So I definitely want your team. Someone who’ll say “I know exactly how you feel,” to me.
    Loved your post. But will save reading this for when I am at home…just in case. 😛

  10. Wow….we have a lot in common except I don’t need much sleep (I could take the night shift), I’ll eat almost anything that’s not smelly or slimy (I would trade you my bacon for steak or pork chops) and I can swim pretty good. We would have to barter for or steal a compass…..and somebody who knows how to read it I guess. Lol. Just watching the movie Zombieland when they hang out in Bill Murrays house made me so anxious I couldn’t stand it….how can ppl be that relaxed and calm in a situation like that??

    1. Oh yeah….I have (maybe an unhealthy) obsession with having secret weapons laying around my house in easy for me to get to places. Like hair sticks, heavy glass objects, nail files, lighters and sticks. (I hide the knives) I guess you could call me a paranoid closet prepper. I’m pretty healthy, self sufficient, can use power tools, think fast on my feet, can shoot guns, can read people really good and have an evil streak if I’m screwed with so I believe I would be a pretty good member of a group. If I don’t drive the others crazy with my enjoyment of loud rock music and cussing like a sailor. And I’m kind of an inverted sort of a person…so I would stay to myself mostly unless I’m needed. :o)

  11. Revolution taught me that I need to run more and hid weapons in places where no one will find them. The problem with that is I will likely not be able to find them when I need them. I like to think of the apocalypse like this: As long as I’m faster than one other person in my group I’ve got a good shot at making it somewhere…..

  12. Very Amusing… Unfortunately, I was looking for a few Hints and Tips, on what to look out for, for next year… I’ve been watching YouTube videos, over the last few years, and this Comet Ison that is due, late this/early next year COULD be a planet in our Solar System about 3-5 times larges than the Earth, with a Gas and Ice outer layer, and an Iron core bigger than our own. NASA has been shall we say less than circumspect about it, and some techie Nerds have released more than a few videos on the topic. I have a theory that while a little out there, I intend discussing in a future blog…

    Look for Nibiru if you do a search (I’m not a conspiracy nut, but, I AM open minded) Check out my blog too at

  13. I’m reading a wonderful Girardian book called Compassion or Apocalypse by James Warren. If we don’t stop our violence, things will take a turn for the worst.

  14. Haha..thanks for making me laugh tonight. And you do write smoothly. I have a lot of the same. But my major thing is “treats”. If I don’t have some kind of stash of candy, I’m doomed to die of insanity within a week.

  15. It would suck so bad to have the apocalypse right now because even if I were fit enough to survive it, I definitely wouldn’t have nearly enough resources to start out with. I was watching Dooms Day Preppers one day and it makes me think on how many people are already out there with everything all packed and ready. All they have to do is wait for it to happen.

  16. You could be on MY team. We’d be going nowhere fast. BUT at least we would be sure we were going in the RIGHT direction because we know everything, lol. Awesomely funny post.

Talk is cheap, but I'm on a budget anyway...

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