My mom was really into that show Revolution when it first aired. For those who don’t know, it’s a post-apocalyptic television show that focuses on a town living life fifteen years after a global blackout. All the sci-fi mumbo jumbo and dramatic elements are present. Alliances are formed. Enemies are made. Friendships are tested. But above all, survival is essential.
The show premiered at a very convenient time in 2012. I was living in Connecticut, and we had just survived a nine-day electricity blackout thanks to that biatch, Hurricane Sandy. Having endured more than a week without power, I pretty much adopted a Katniss Everdeen alter ego.
I fully believed I could engage and win in a survival of the fittest game if it ever came to it.
Going over a week without a shower and blindly navigating my way from the kitchen to my bedroom after my midnight snack made me the toughest human being on the planet. My experiences helped me understand what it was like to struggle in an apocalyptic situation, and I wanted to compare my survival notes during Sandy with the characters on Revolution.
I was sitting on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, holding a goblet full of wine when I realized I was sorely mistaken in my assumptions about blackout survival tactics. Imagining I was involved, I had to think about all the great attributes and skills I have that would benefit me in certain situations.
I made a mental list in my head of all my strengths: I’m a good leader. I can help people. I’m athletic. But, the crippling reality of a non-electrical world harrowed on my soul to the point where I knew I had to make a blanket statement to the world about hanging out with me during an apocalypse.
I wanted to give everyone all the information before this actually happens. I know how it goes. The world blacks out and everyone immediately starts picking teams.
My intellectual prowess coupled with the fact that I won Best Athlete in the 8th grade superlatives makes me an obvious choice for your survival team. But I have to be selfless and realize that even the strongest people in the world have weaknesses that can’t be ignored.
Here are a list of reasons you wouldn’t want me in your survival group in the event of an apocalypse.
1. I’m essentially blind. I have a contact prescription that is one point away from granting me a handicap sticker. All you’d have to do is take away my glasses and tell me to head in the direction of a cliff or some quicksand and I’m gone.
2. I need at least 8 hours of sleep. I get really cranky if I’m not properly rested. I also need white noise in order to drift off into dreamland. I realize this is an issue because night seems like the optimal time to stage an attack, and I like to have lights out by 9pm.
3. I have a pretty strict diet. And by strict, I mean I eat like four things. Chicken, bacon, bread, and eggs. I may dabble in a salad here and there, but only if there’s ranch dressing.
4. I can’t swim very well. If there is any sort of water obstacle that needs to be overcome, don’t even think about it. I’m as good a swimmer as a cinderblock.
5. I’m not a good multi-tasker. I can’t even make toast without something sparking or blowing up. Don’t even get me started on the disaster that would ensue if I had to run through a uncleared forest while simultaneously looking forward and backwards to thwart off attackers.
6. I have an atrocious sense of direction. North is always straight ahead.
7. I think I’m always right. Which I am. Obviously.
8. I’m not what some would call, in shape. My stamina is not up to par, so running for long periods of time isn’t generally a good idea.
9. People don’t describe me as swift, cunning, or stealth. I don’t know how to whisper, my voice doesn’t do that. Deaf people can hear me trying to sneak up behind them.
10. I’m not good at waiting. There’s no way in hell I’m staying for more than a day in one place. I’m not even good at waiting for a song to finish on my iPod before I change it.