You Should Know This For The Apocalypse.

This-Is-The-End-All-2-500 My mom was really into that show Revolution when it first aired. For those who don’t know, it’s a post-apocalyptic television show that focuses on a town living life fifteen years after a global blackout.  All the sci-fi mumbo jumbo and dramatic elements are present. Alliances are formed.  Enemies are made.  Friendships are tested.  But above all, survival is essential.

The show premiered at a very convenient time in 2012.  I was living in Connecticut, and we had just survived a nine-day electricity blackout thanks to that biatch, Hurricane Sandy. Having endured more than a week without power, I pretty much adopted a Katniss Everdeen alter ego.

I fully believed I could engage and win in a survival of the fittest game if it ever came to it.

Going over a week without a shower and blindly navigating my way from the kitchen to my bedroom after my midnight snack made me the toughest human being on the planet. My experiences helped me understand what it was like to struggle in an apocalyptic situation, and I wanted to compare my survival notes during Sandy with the characters on Revolution.

I was sitting on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, holding a goblet full of wine when I realized I was sorely mistaken in my assumptions about blackout survival tactics. Imagining I was involved, I had to think about all the great attributes and skills I have that would benefit me in certain situations.

I made a mental list in my head of all my strengths: I’m a good leader.  I can help people.  I’m athletic. But, the crippling reality of a non-electrical world harrowed on my soul to the point where I knew I had to make a blanket statement to the world about hanging out with me during an apocalypse.

I wanted to give everyone all the information before this actually happens. I know how it goes.  The world blacks out and everyone immediately starts picking teams.

My intellectual prowess coupled with the fact that I won Best Athlete in the 8th grade superlatives makes me an obvious choice for your survival team.  But I have to be selfless and realize that even the strongest people in the world have weaknesses that can’t be ignored.

Here are a list of reasons you wouldn’t want me in your survival group in the event of an apocalypse. 

1. I’m essentially blind. I have a contact prescription that is one point away from granting me a handicap sticker.  All you’d have to do is take away my glasses and tell me to head in the direction of a cliff or some quicksand and I’m gone.

2. I need at least 8 hours of sleep. I get really cranky if I’m not properly rested.  I also need white noise in order to drift off into dreamland.  I realize this is an issue because night seems like the optimal time to stage an attack, and I like to have lights out by 9pm.

3. I have a pretty strict diet. And by strict, I mean I eat like four things. Chicken, bacon, bread, and eggs.  I may dabble in a salad here and there, but only if there’s ranch dressing.

4. I can’t swim very well. If there is any sort of water obstacle that needs to be overcome, don’t even think about it.  I’m as good a swimmer as a cinderblock.

5. I’m not a good multi-tasker. I can’t even make toast without something sparking or blowing up.  Don’t even get me started on the disaster that would ensue if I had to run through a uncleared forest while simultaneously looking forward and backwards to thwart off attackers.

6. I have an atrocious sense of direction. North is always straight ahead.

7. I think I’m always right. Which I am. Obviously.

8. I’m not what some would call, in shape.  My stamina is not up to par, so running for long periods of time isn’t generally a good idea.

9. People don’t describe me as swift, cunning, or stealth. I don’t know how to whisper, my voice doesn’t do that.  Deaf people can hear me trying to sneak up behind them.

10. I’m not good at waiting.  There’s no way in hell I’m staying for more than a day in one place. I’m not even good at waiting for a song to finish on my iPod before I change it.

All my faults aside, I’m still going to try and tag along even if you don’t want me.  I’m sure there’s someone weaker we can cut out first, right?  

128 thoughts on “You Should Know This For The Apocalypse.”

  2. I don’t know if I’d pick you for my team, but first we have to assume that there would be a team. If in the case of something causing a worldwide blackout or some other disaster, all nuclear missiles and plants around the world would be unable to keep the uranium and plutonium cool without human intervention, which would cause them to heat up and a huge meltdown would occur, probably killing everything around.
    But heck, you’re welcome to join my team if we survive that. Just watch out for my machete and chainsaw.

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  3. I know exactly what you mean. A lot of those reasons would go for me too. I think quite often about what I would do if and when this were to happen and I always get a headache trying to think about how I would cope and survive. I end up by hoping and praying that it never happens in my lifetime 🙂
    Thanks for the thought

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  6. Great wit. Never ceases to amaze me how shows like this and movies of doom and gloom — are considered ‘entertainment’. A lot of people seem to have a death wish, or perhaps they simply can’t appreciate what they have until it’s gone so they fantasize about it?

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  7. As a certified survivalist consultant, I felt it my duty to review this post. After briefly pondering your shortcomings, I’ve determined that you may want to consider the following solutions so that you, too, can be an asset to fellow survivors…
    1. Glasses? The indestructible kind, with the nerd safety strap so you don’t lose them.
    2. Caffeine works wonders. And really, who isn’t cranky in the event of the apocalypse?
    3. If ThinkGeek is any indication, most people will have stocked up on canned bacon, so you ought to be alright.
    4. Waterwings. Keep them close at all times.
    5. As long as you’re a good delegator, your team will clearly love you. And since you’re always right, this is the perfect solution. Why sully your hands?
    6. I’ve always been a fan of the nonmagnetic compass; spin the arrow, head that way.
    7. Just make sure everyone listens to you.
    8. This is where alliances are key: get a few people with even less stamina to slow down approaching enemies.
    9. Talk less and wear sneakers.
    10. Bah, waiting is overrated–I’m living proof that one can still be successful. I am the picture of an accomplished survivalist and sometimes I don’t even finish my

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  9. hahah good stuff good read. I am one step ahead of you. I got laser eye surgery a month ago! one of the motivations were because of my childhood fantasy to live on a post apocalyptic earth.

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      1. Yeh man….I wake up and see now. What was most interesting is that I have been stuck in the habit of waking up, being blind (my numbers were negative 6.5) and seeing with my hands. after the surgery i would wake up and despite being able to see with my new eyes, i would not use them and slip into my old habit of seeing with my hands looking for my glasses. then i would realise ‘oh shit! i can see now!’

  13. There’s always that person who dies first right? (Jokes).

    This is great. I really don’t think very many of us would make it in a situation like this.

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  15. You write very well; this was really amusing 😀 It’s interesting how different the real thing is, isn’t it? My toddler fell into the pool the other week (she was fine, and I got her out within seconds because I totally expected her to ignore me and just step in, even though I was telling her to stop) and it’s prompted me to think that the CPR course I did 20 years ago might just need a refresher.

    I spent some time on a forum years ago where there were a few survivalist types. They were always thinking about how they would get along in the apocalypse, and I think they were secretly annoyed it hadn’t happened yet.

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  16. I enjoyed this – although I think it’s a bit creepy so many people have apocalypse teams already imagined. I think they’re eactly the types I’d try to avoid if push comes to shove – kind of like primary school teachers on dinner tables at Christmas time!

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  18. Great post! I read it to my husband who loves those shows and thinks he could do pretty well with his Macgyver-esque approach. As for me, I’ve got no skills to warrant me admission to the compound (I’m a lawyer). My only hope is that someone would feed and protect me to keep me around to draft the new constitution. I pretty much expect to perish in the first wave.

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  20. I’m pretty much toast as well if I had to survive. MY profession: photographer. Who needs that? Maybe a warlord that wants a portrait? Sure, I’m an Eagle Scout and can shoot a gun and use a bow and arrow but I’ve never hunted. Maybe I’d make a good meal for someone….

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  21. I loved this post! I’d be toast early on, if something like that happened. You could buy time on your team by taking me along with you, ’cause you’re obviously better for the team than I am! 😀

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  29. Well, if you stick with the traditional view of the apocalypse where the good guys go straight upstairs and the rest of us run around down here for a while wondering what the hell happened, then you won’t even have to take these things into consideration — on account of your great humility, you will have exited upwards (which, I think, is north).
    congrats on being FP!

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  30. Oh my gosh, seriously. I always worry about not having my contacts in the event of a zombie (or otherwise) apocalypse. And I absolutely cannot swim and running? Eh, maybe for zombies. MAYBE.

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  37. I always think about the fact that I’m pretty much blind without my glasses and how that would make me very likely to die in the apocalypse. This alone is a main reason why I’m considering laser eye surgery. 😉

    I think this — “6. I have an atrocious sense of direction.
    North is always straight ahead.”     — made me laugh the loudest out of all your list.

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  38. I loved the whole “white noise” thing. I grew up with attic fans, then window units, and then onto personal fans blowing year round. Absolutely can’t sleep in the deathly quiet…don’t like listening to myself breathe. Belly laughed all the way through the post. I’m hooked! 🙂

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  40. In most apocalypse scenarios, there really is only one “Rule”. You only have to be smarter or faster than the person standing next to you. It’s the same rule for being in bear country. Make nice with a person whose light is a little dull or whose fastest speed is “shuffle” and you’re golden…

    ps – loved your post! 😉

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  41. Reblogged this on Love Ails and commented:
    Okay, I’m making a post based on this. Here are reason I should not be in your team should the Apocalypse happen.

    1. I’m weak. Seriously, I can’t walk for a few minutes without needing to rest.
    2. I’m emotionally ill. This doesn’t really need explanation, but with my disorder I have an extremely hard time getting along with others. I would be one of the first voted out on Survivor just because I can be such a Bitch.
    3. Yeah, I would. I would let the zombie eat you so I could get away.
    4. I’m a little insane. This might actually be a good thing…
    5. I have burdensome physical ailments. Like asthma, diabetes, severe arthritis…
    6. I am not worldly. I have only been to the states surrounding Indiana and two on the West coast. I have never been in an airplane or on a big boat. I’m afraid of heights and spiders. I just don’t have any kind of “tough” except for maybe being able to boss people around.

    Overall, if you need a delegator or someone to keep things in check, that would be my sole purpose. Need someone to cut wood and create a makeshift weapon? Sorry, not in my job description.

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  48. i will so be on your team. Knowing your problems is the first step to acceptance. We will be the strongest team around. Our names will be feared around the nation…or the neighborhood…who knows. This post was really entertaining for me. It kept me reading the entire time. I was lol’ing the entire time through all of this.

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