“You can choose your friends but you sho’ can’t choose your family.” – Harper Lee

The theme of family is consistent throughout To Kill A Mockingbird.  With juxtaposing character views on the subject, the reader can choose to side with Atticus Finch, where you accept your family and the blessings or curses, if you will, that come with them; or choose to side with Aunt Alexandra, who believes in kicking out the unworthy and preserving what is “good” within the bloodline.

If we’re talking about picking sides, I’m going to saddle up with Atticus on this one. I love my family and all the weird they bring into my life.  My parents are two of the most selfless human beings to ever walk this earth, constantly making sure my brothers and I had everything we needed growing up.  My three younger brothers taught me self defense; like physically shielding my face from flying objects, thwarting slaps from all directions, and building general mental walls so I don’t get hurt in other ways (ie, boys who are not related to me).

On the contrary, I want to play a little Devil’s Advocate here.  As mentioned above, I LOVE my family.  Wouldn’t change a thing. But like, what if I could?  What if I could pick three new brothers, a new mother, and a new father?

The thought tickled my pop culture nerve.  Suddenly, I had a fake family to create, and it was going to be the best fake family in the whole internet world.

It took extensive research, hours on the couch, and about four bottles of wine to come up with my replacement family, and our motto: If it aint broke, it will be soon.

Without further adieu, these are the people I want to (hypothetically) replace my current family members:

Phil Dunphy is my new dad because who doesn’t want an overgrown child as a guardian and protector?  There’s a 90% chance he’d agree to replacing the stairs with a slide.

  Lucille Bluth is the kind of mother that makes you wish you were an orphan.  But this is my internet family, and she is the most absurd matriarch on the silver screen, and I absolutely need  her.

Kevin McCallister is my new youngest brother. Booby trap city, all day, errrry day.  I think we could do a lot of damage together.  I also wouldn’t mind taking limos to work, the grocery store, or everywhere in general.

  Seth Cohen needs to be my brother so we can wear ugly Christmas sweaters and I can attend his barmitzvah.  Those parties are always OFF THE CHAIN.  Goody bags were 12’s out of 10. Always. Plus, he’ll bring the one shred of humility to my internet family.

Adam DeMamp from Workaholics needs to be my third brother for the sole reason that I am not the dumbest one in my family.  My work ethic will make me look like Bill Gates in comparison to him.

Yup, I can see it now…