Month: September 2014

Things That Are More Important Than The Next Royal Baby

Or, if you were alive last week, Angelina Jolie’s wedding dress.  Because that was totally monumental and headline worthy.

Oh no, I hope I didn’t offend anyone.

Aside from real world problems and issues like genocide, civil warfare, and the ongoing conflicts in the Middle East, there are a number of things that are more interesting and relatively important than the soon-to-be birth of the second royal baby.

Plus, we have nine whole months of “baby bump” monitoring before we even see what the thing looks like.  So, instead of getting all your panties in a bunch over Kate Middleton’s fetus, you should maybe table your investment until month eight, and save your sanity.

Here is a list of things that you can do within the next nine months instead of caring about an unborn royal child that isn’t even related to you and never will know who you are in any capacity:

 

  • Try everything on the Taco Bell breakfast menu
  • Drink infinity magnum bottles of wine
  • Watch most of the CSI reruns on Spike
  • Nap
  • Try lowering America’s obesity problem
  • Learn how not to be socially awkward
  • Figure out how to talk to adults
  • Pay rent on your apartment
  • Take a shower
  • Come up with a word other than ‘baby bump’ to describe pregnancy
  • Make sure you eat three square meals a day
  • Read the entire series of Game of Thrones
  • Then watch the television show to compare plot lines and accuracy
  • Watch three seasons come and go
  • Hike the Appalachian Trail
  • Drive across country
  • Learn to play a new sport
  • Exercise
  • Get someone at an old folks home to remember your name
  • Go back to grade school
  • Grow a plant
  • Break a bone and watch it heal
  • Pick up a skill like basket weaving, knitting, or caring about other people
  • Watch your hair grow out and then chop it off
  • Make a new friend
  • Wait for the new iPhone to come out
  • Learn to type without looking at the keyboard
  • Try as many new restaurants as possible
  • Rearrange all the furniture in your apartment
  • Get pregnant and have a kid you will/should actually care about

… Just some thoughts.

I’m On The Wrong Side of Twenty-Five

Chevvvvvvvs.

Chevvvvvvvs.

So, um.  Vacation is real, and it’s fucking awesome.  It also hurts like hell when it’s over.

But sound the alarms, hide all the children, bake every cake, cause I’m back and I’m chock full of noggin goodies and ready to write em down.

Mentally, I feel great. Physically, I’m a little worse for wear.  As you get older, you really start to recognize how many things you just can’t do anymore.  Along with wearing overalls and cheetah print scrunchies, I found out over the course of my week long hiatus that I can’t quite hang like a college kid and bounce back like I used to when I wasn’t twenty-five.

I woke up this morning and my eyes essentially refused to open, and walking in to work looking like you just toked up with Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg is never a good look.  #apologies

What I’ve learned this week is that I’m on the wrong side of twenty-five.  

And that really, really sucks.  Cause being on the right side is always more fun, I think.  Depending on how you look at fun, I guess.  Criminals and the like would probably disagree with me.  But then again, they’re in jail and I’m not… yet.

I may be young and able-bodied, but I am in no way, shape, or form, capable of doing beer olympics and not spending the entire following day curled  up in a ball watching reruns of CSI while having someone spoonfeed me macaroni and cheese covered in velveeta.

Listen to your bodies.  When you wake up on Sunday and you feel like crap, going outside and sitting in the sun without drinking water is not going to make you feel any better on Monday.  In fact, it will make you feel worse.

Exercise is always good.  Even when it’s not good, you’ll feel better after you’re done.  Or at least that’s what my mother tells me.  I always say the same thing about naps and chocolate.

If you have a good buzz going, cleaning your kitchen and/or entire house will be way more productive in the moment.  You will cover a lot of ground in a short amount of time.  Drunk minutes always seem to double regular minutes, but you may also wake up wondering why you slept in bed with a swiffer wet jet and why your dog is wearing rubber cleaning gloves.

Never forget to eat.  At twenty-five, this seems like it should be natural.  It’s not.  Sometimes you spend all day shooting the shit and catching up with old friends and wake up the next morning realizing your body survived a day of treacherous drinking on one egg and 8 pieces of cold bacon.  Set alarms, bring a buddy, or grow the hell up and remember to nourish yourself.

Strapless bathing suits are the devil.

Keep in touch with old friends.  Especially if you experienced something life changing together.  Friends like that don’t come into your life often, so cherish them.  Make a point to see them, keep in touch, and reunite as much as you can.  You’ll want to remember the time one of you passed out in a strange place and how many different locations you traveled to in order to reunite. (shameless plug)

And last but not least, it was confirmed that Ray Rice is a giant pile of douche bags.

What did you learn this week?

HEY EVERYONE, I’M ON VACATION.

Essentially.

Essentially.

Sorry, or luckily, whichever one applies, I won’t be around this week.  Please feel free to enjoy the silence that would usually be filled with senseless rambles and my cries of inadequacy.

Yeah, yeah I know we just had a three day weekend, but I have a lot of stuff on my plate, namely going through my closet to make sure I don’t have seventeen floral crop tops.

But I’m also planning a reunion for this coming weekend, and there is a lot of drinking involved, so my mental capacity and ability to produce coherent thoughts are going to be extremely limited.

In short, I’ll be on a self-imposed vacation this week to get my mind right, sleep a lot, and do some research which really means everything I do will be involving copious amounts of wine.

Wish me luck, or don’t.

See you back next Monday.  In the mean time, feel free to be my friend. 

PS – Happy Birthday to my mom.  I know she reads this.  She may be the only one.

What did you do for Labor Day? Do you ever feel like you just need a break?