March Madness: How to Stay Sane for the Next Month

If you don’t know anything about basketball, that sucks for you because you’re going to surrounded by it for the next couple of weeks.  It will haunt your dreams, your social life will revolve around it, and you will see normally sane people spiral into a complete and utter mental state to the point where you may actually have to commit them to an asylum.

But there’s good news!  You don’t have to sit and be miserable for the next three weeks, because even you, non-sports liking human, can have fun with March Madness.  Because like it or not, basketball is going to be broadcasted nationwide on every television in every restaurant and apartment, so you may as well get used to it.

Here are some survival tips for anyone who doesn’t want to actually go mad this March:

(yes, I know, my puns are some next level stuff, BACK OFF)

  1. Even if you know nothing about basketball, fill out a bracket.  It will give you someone to root for each game, and you’ll get the satisfaction of picking a winning team and rubbing it in that kid’s face who tracks college players from birth til graduation when his bracket sucks more than yours does.
  2. Use this as an excuse to hang out with a kid you have a crush on.  Have that hot kid you like help you fill out a bracket, maybe meet up with him at a bar for some beers.  All you have to do is cheer when lots of people cheer, and boo when people boo.  Look excited. Take a shot.  Ask a question. Wait refrain from asking questions, boys hate explaining things to girls. Actually, just show up and have a good time, it’s not that difficult.
  3. Make up a drinking game.  Shot for shot, literally.
  4. Use this to determine whether or not your potential life-long partner is insane.  The great news about March Madness is that you get to see people in their primal state.  Winning and losing brackets reduce human beings to their cores.  There is no better time than now to rule out potential crazies.  If he knocks over a lamp, kicks through a door, or threatens to punch a baby due to a loss, there’s a good chance he won’t do the dishes or take out the trash after a tiff later in life. 
  5. Read a book. If you don’t like sports, that is not a problem.  How about expanding your vocabulary with a good book?  Think about all the new words and phrases you’ll pick up because your significant other is hogging the television.  You’re pretty much guaranteed to surpass him or her in intelligence, so why not start now?  You’ll be the most sophisticated insulter this side of the Mississippi.  Or that side.  Depending where you live. 
  6. Go work out.  If you’re stressed out because you’re missing this week’s episode of Pretty Little Liars, have no fear, the gym has televisions and treadmills.  Kill two birds with one stone by running out your aggression and simultaneously still wondering why in the hell these four girls are still getting tormented and no one is doing anything about it.  It is shocking. Really.
  7. Suck it up.  If you’re a problem solver, or a generally easy going human being, you’ll realize that this is a time of the year that isn’t going away.  Much like football season, baseball season, and hockey season, the playoffs create a cutthroat atmosphere and you can either adapt or die.  If you’re going to get pissed off and mope because you can’t watch the finale of Cupcake Wars, you have bigger fish to fry.  Invest in DVR, sit down with a drink, and make a sacrifice like guys do when you make them go shopping or eat vegetarian options for a week.

Talk is cheap, but I'm on a budget anyway...

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