Well, I’m Going to Hell.

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I’ll be the first to admit that I am not the most angelic person on the planet.

I don’t always wear my seatbelt, I eat dessert before dinner, and I’ve been known to throw out a curse word or two in a moment of frustration.  While not deplorable, those kinds of antics are most certainly not getting me any closer to the golden gates, if you will.

A while back, I did one good deed and immediately assumed it erases all the bad stuff I did before and after, so I wrote a wish list I’d like to have for my afterlife, you know, cause I’m going to heaven and stuff.

As much as I try to be a good person, sometimes the bad just slips through the cracks.  I can’t always pretend that I enjoy watching movies with Kristen Stewart in them, or tell the truth when my parents ask me if I have eaten any vegetables at all this week.

I know, I need to make some changes.

I have to believe heaven is just the best place ever to exist.  Just naps all day, wine all night, and just a non-stop party with all your friends and family members.

I also have to believe that hell is the absolute worst place to ever exist.  I am NOT trying to go there, but I have been put in some situations on this earth, and they have changed me to the point where I am henceforth making an honest effort to be so good that they won’t even ask me questions about myself when I try and enter like they do when I attempt to sneak a full sized shampoo bottles through airport security.

I fully believe the following are accurate events on Hell’s calendar:

Mist:

There are no sunny days in hell.  Just constant mist in your face.  You don’t get a raincoat or an umbrella.  But in reality those things never help anyways.  You’ll get gently pelted with moisture for your eternal afterlife and never be able to protect yourself.

DMV:

All you want to do is get up and have a relaxing day on your couch, maybe watch some netflix and eat some takeout.  No. You will be forced to get up at 6am with the rest of Hell’s legion and told to wait in line for seven of the eight hours of freedom you have for the day. Once there is a glimmer of hope and you’re the next in line to go to the counter, they will say that it’s closing time and you have to do it all over again tomorrow.

Traffic Jams:

You’ll be having a bad day, because it’s hell, and you’ll want to get in your car and take a mindless drive to release some stress.  Only you can’t because everywhere you go there will be stop and go traffic.  You will never get to drive freely on the open road blasting music like you would in heaven.

And for those who were really big assholes on planet earth, you get stick shifts.  Have fun with that, bucko.

Push-Button Faucets:

Washing your hands seems like a basic task.  Not when you have the bathroom army determining how much water you’re allotted at your sink interval.  You’ll always have leftover soap, and never enough water to wash it off.  Soap hands for life.

Group Text Messages:

You’ll have one response to the initial message, but you’ll never be able to silence the eight other people in the chat who have ignored or forgotten you’re in the group text and have gone on to have a riveting conversation about cat pregnancies and plaid button-up shirts.

An Almost Loaded Website:

All you want to do is check your email.  And you’ll forever be waiting to do it.

That Person You Can Never Pass:

You’ll want to walk to the grocery store – which in hell, is Trader Joes on a Sunday – and there will be that person in front of you walking at a glacial pace, taking up the entire sidewalk.  You will never be able to pass them.  Just destined for a life of following in the footsteps of the slowest human being on the planet, which is ironically the worker who called out of the DMV that morning and is the sole reason as to why they are short staffed and horrible.

Constantly Trying to Assemble Ikea Furniture:

After your seven hour stint at the DMV get ready to come home and assemble IKEA furniture!  No directions, just rudimentary sketches that don’t pertain to anything.  You’ll always slam your finger, and there will never be enough screws.  God bless.

Be good, folks.  This hellish life aint for you.  I know it’s not for me.  I’m going to find the nearest church and confess all my sins now, see you in a couple years.  It’s a long list.

 

24 Things I Irrationally Hate

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Irrational Hatred: An immediate dislike for someone or something that can’t be justified or has no reason behind it.  The main reason being that he/she/you/they/it ” just drives me insane.” 
  1. Kristen Stewart and the fact that she never makes eye contact or smiles.
  2. Starbucks employees who spell your name incorrectly, I’m on to you.
  3. The first stall in any public bathroom.
  4. Dave Matthews Band.
  5. Using the word literally when something isn’t actually happening at the moment.
  6. Teenage drama television shows where the central characters never have parents.
  7. Boys, because they don’t have to wear bras. (If you’re a boy that wears a bra, GOOD FOR YOU!)
  8. You, if you drive the speed limit.
  9. People that knowingly leave their shopping cart taking up entire parking space; you jackass.
  10. Girls who are able to apply makeup without making themselves look like a streetwalker that owns the corner of Harlot Avenue and Pay Me For This Boulevard.
  11. People who order salads at restaurants because they’re “watching their weight.”
  12. Tankinis… What are you?
  13. Odd numbers.  Get out of here.
  14. Horizontal stripes for being my favorite pattern but at the same time paradoxically making me look four times larger than I really am (or am I?)
  15. The weather being a universal and acceptable conversation topic.
  16. Upforkers – for obvious reasons.
  17. Crop circles. Farmers already have a tough life, let’s not make it worse, okay?
  18. Chipotle for promising me things and not delivering.
  19. Paying for things.
  20. The snack aisle vortex at the grocery store for having a magnetic pull on my weak soul leaving me with the inability to avoid purchasing birthday cake oreos.
  21. Hiding tampons in your sleeves, shirts, pants, ears, and pockets because even as an adult for some reason it’s still weird to have people know it’s that time of the month.
  22. Cab drivers.  Oh wait, nope that one is rational.
  23. Diets and the people who can actually stick to them.  I’ll be over here on day two spoons deep in nutella and stuffing my face with marshmallows (see #20).
  24. Those elastic-waisted, maternity pants that are supposedly only for pregnant women.  Non-preggos have fat days, too.