If I had a dollar for the amount of times I walked into my office this week and heard someone say to me – or in my vicinity, because people don’t talk to me – how cold it is outside, I’d have at least twenty bucks in my pocket.
And that twenty bucks, my friends, is at least two orders of crab rangoons I could have enjoyed. Because it’s winter, and I’m bulking, or hibernating, or both. Whatever.
You see, apparently, I should have taken bets with people about the sheer shock and surprise that comes across people’s faces in January. The utterly perplexing looks of terror due to the inclement weather conditions in the city, state, or region they have chosen to live in for at least a year.
If you have just moved from a tropical location to anywhere that has a ‘winter,’ please disregard this whole post. You are forgiven; but not really, because you can read, and see pictures, and hear other people complaining.
What I’m gathering about society today is that, just like Miley being Miley, once January starts being January, everyone is all like, “Oh my god, why is it so cold, where did this weather come from, I miss sun, and where’s the equator and why don’t I live there?” You know, because no one has ever seen a January before.
So listen up, people. Truth bombs abound, January is a bitch. She’s that month that no one wants to hang out with because she’ll suck the life right out of you. She’ll be best friends with December, because everyone likes December even though she has a tendency to be kind of cold hearted, but she will not be friends with you.
With that said, you shouldn’t be shocked and completely thrown off when you wake up on New Year’s day and can see your breath in your apartment. After all, it’s really fucking cold outside.
For those of you that refuse to acknowledge that there are four seasons, and they do, in fact, have to come and go, I’ve created a survival kit that will help you survive January, and worse, the rest of the winter. (AHHHHH!)
Coat: Otherwise known as a jacket, or safe place. This bad boy is what you need to protect your little arms and torso from the big, bad wind. Just put yourself inside, and zip it up and you got yourself a personal igloo while you’re traversing through God knows what on your way to work.
Hat: Let’s just be clear. Being cold isn’t cool. Put on a goddamn hat and save everyone a case of the sniffles. Bundle up, it’s January for Pete’s sake. (Sorry, Pete. But your sake seems like a pretty solid one, and I’m going to swear hats on it. Any problems, contact my lawyer, who is also my mom, she’ll handle this.)
Gloves: Five fingers or mittens, get your phalanges protected. Especially for the coffee addict who needs to stop in before work. You cannot, absolutely CANNOT have your hands exposed. They are too essential for everyday life. Pockets are for squares (literally, pocket squares are a thing, it’s weird), so make your walk to work a little less awkward and have your hands out of your pockets so you don’t look like you’re trying to make your arms into triangles and simulate wings.
A hood: And no, I’m not talking about the neighborhood where you grew up. Although, I’m sure that kind of moral support and camaraderie will totally help you through this tough time. I’m talking about a hood you can put over your precious head. This will act as a shield from all of the elements leaving only 30% of your head exposed. It’s also an excuse to walk around in public having completely normal conversations with only your eyeballs showing.
Layers: The more, the better. I like to tap out at an even 18 every day. That way, I know even my pulmonary vein is protected and toasty.
Boots: Super cute? Yes. Super practical? Double yes. Winter is essentially the only time where you can wear the most ridiculous footwear in the name of warmth and no one will question it. Walk into work with boots and a space heater wrapped around your lower half and no one will say a word. Summer? Not so much.
Scarves: Fashionable and useful. Not only will a scarf protect your face and neck from everything your coat and hood can’t, it will also conveniently double as a snot catcher. Which is also a win, because if you don’t have gloves, aside from being a jackass, you’re not going to want to wipe frozen snot on your face. Snot scarves are so hot right now. They’re actually not, but no one will say anything.
Pants: Tights are not pants. Leggings are not pants. Pants are pants. And you need to wear pants in the winter.
Did I forget something? Probably. Maybe throw in an honorable mention including a smile, a positive attitude, and the knowledge that you moved to a place where winter is a thing, and in five months you’ll be complaining about how hot it is outside.
How do you survive the winter?