That was not hyperbole. SkyMall is donezo, which means I may as well renounce my citizenship and become a castaway living off the land and having a volleyball as a best friend.
But, that’s also how I pretty much live my life right now, so I need to up my ante on the dramatic life exits.
Maybe I’ll start a cult or join a Peruvian scooter gang. I just need something to fill the void that’s in the back seat pocket on the plane of life.
A lot of people, myself included, are absolutely devastated about the news of SkyMall closing its mile-high doors.
I like to think of myself as less of a dweller on bad times and more of a solver of problems. (Please don’t ask anyone close to me if this is true, I’m sure they’ll tell you endless stories about me crying on the bathroom floor when I couldn’t find my hidden stash of oreos at 3am.) But, in my honest, inflated opinion of myself, I think that I really do my best to solve issues at hand rather than complain about what went wrong.
I’m basically their unofficial-spokesperson/stalker/avid seeker of their attention via the twittersphere. It’s a title that I take extremely seriously, but very lightly, because I do not want to get arrested.
Here are my ideas for how to save SkyMall:
Bake Sale: There has never been anything in the history of the earth that a bake sale couldn’t solve. School fundraiser? Bake Sale. Diabetes? Bake sale. World Peace? Bake sale. There’s nothing better to get unsuspecting humans into paying for overpriced baked treats than to slap on a big “HELP ME, I’M POOR” sign in front of your logo. Cookies win wars. It’s science.
Car Wash: Bonus points for hot women in bikinis. At least they always look like they’re profitable in the movies. In my experience, it was always the one attractive girl out on the street flagging people down while all the rest of us mediocre-looking wet dogs slaved away in nurse scrubs and fishing boots in the name of charity. It really sucks not being a Victoria’s Secret model.
Ebooks: Everyone else is doing it. Why not just digitize your pages and have SkyMall available for tablets all over the world? Seems silly, but I’m also a super genius with a slightly above average IQ that’s not really a genius at all and am probably just stating the obvious answer they already thought of but were too poor to execute. Sorry for my insensitivity, SkyMall.
Peaceful, Yet Extremely Disruptive Protests: Nothing gets the people up in arms like a good old fashioned disruptive protest. Chain yourself to a barrel, block a highway, ruin the morning commute; do anything, but also do it in the name of SkyMall and everything will be covered in the news, forcing people to care about your cause and contribute their hard earned, taxed dollars that they can’t make because they can’t even arrive to work on time.
Replace Current Airplane Seat Back Pockets With Issues of Unsolvable Crossword Puzzles About Current Events: With only -275% of the population able to complete this exercise, people will be begging for SkyMall to be put back onto planes across the world because frankly, I’d rather stare at a life sized Big Foot I can’t afford than a problem I can’t solve (see above statement where I talk about being a problem solver).
Stockpile/Hoard All Current/Previous Issues: Hold on to them for, like, one hundred years then start bringing them to Antiques Roadshow to appraise and sell them off. This has a 40% chance of being an effective strategy that can pretty much reinvigorate the industry’s need for an in-flight magazine. Just a thought. Take it or leave it.
There you have it. If you take all of these seriously and throw them out the window at the same time, it just might be dumb enough to work. Let’s pool together our resources, crack open infinity bottles of wine and save SkyMall so we can be legends in the skies and get a cement statue for sale for the low price of $4,000. Which is totally acceptable, because we’re all flawless mother truckers.
And all was right in the world.